Ninyn

January
Global Game Jam as a volunteer
Being a University student living in an overpriced room with two cats while planning to go abroad later in the year means that you don't have a lot of funds to put into extra things. Being a creator means that you love to challenge yourself to come up with new things, to try new things, and to put a little extra pressure on yourself. Global Game Jam gives you the opportunity to do all of these things together with others.

Unfortunately, Global Game Jam is in January, after the holidays, the time where your student funds have really come to their lowest point in the year. Participating as a volunteer in the organisation was a great decision. I got to see the creative process from an outside perspective, I got to talk with new friends and old friends. It was an incredibly valuable experience, one that I would love to experience again.

Goodbye Bowie
I've watched Labyrinth 4 times this year. I miss you.

Let's write a book.
I started writing a novella. Without (hopefully) sounding too narcissistic, based on experiences in my youth that shaped me into the adult I am now. I'm still writing, it's not easy, but it's something I want to do without pressure. So far, I'm happy with the content. Since it's so personal it's not always the best idea to pick it up since it can inflict my mood pretty heavily. Main goal: no pressure, all in good time.

February
Let's try this D&D thing.
Thanks to Hannah, I met Birk(SCORE!). Back on topic: thanks to both of them, I got to experience 5 months of a D&D campaign which meant weekly nights of chatter, of adventure, of cooking together, sharing our stories together. I loved it, and sometimes I miss it. (Andreil the retarded Paladin might return again someday!)

UI seems pretty cool. Yeah let's keep doing that.
Ending my second year of IGAD meant that I had now gained experience in different areas of game design, team management and project management. At the start of the third year, I was completely sold on going into Narrative Design. I'm extremely happy I decided to drop that after 1 block to go into UI design.

I've now been a UI Designer for a year and I can say I'm still very much enjoying it.My technical knowledge isn't quite there yet, but thanks to being surrounded by lovely helpful patient people it's getting better day by day.

March
Muse
A band that nowadays is considered mainstream, one of the greatest, the biggest, the best performing, the richest, and a lot more. 15 years ago, Bliss was aired on Dutch tv station TMF in 2001. It remains to be my favourite song by them. That's 15 years ago, which is an amazing amount of time to look back on. So many things have changed; in my life, in theirs, in the world, in all aspects big and small. And 15 years is nothing!

One of my favourite changes in those 15 years though, is that my father and I are now able to share and enjoy music together. It's the first time that my dad and I went to see a Muse concert together, and it was absolutely wonderful!

New friends in unexpected corners.
It was a little awkward to meet you, but I'm glad we did. I'm thankful to have a friend like you in my life. Someone who has such different experiences and perspectives, yet with such similar feelings and values. Thank you for being you, for your honesty, your kindness, your advice, and your trust.

'I love you.'
It's probably my favourite 'I love you' I've heard in my life. It was so genuine, so you, and so unexpected. I'm happy that after the initial shock I decided to run back to find you, and made sure to tell you that I love you too.

April
Scotland: part III.
After falling in love with Scotland in 2014, and after falling in love with Scotland again in 2015, it seemed only natural to do a road trip together with my dad this year. It was a great decision. We talked, we shared, we cried, we let go of stupid things that became trivial in our current lives, and we got to know each other better. We met some new lovely folks that were kind enough to share their homes and their stories with us and allow us a view into their lives.

It's funny, but as I get older my dad and I are becoming better and better at being buddies. We talk about things and share things with each other that never in a million years I thought would be possible. Also, damn, the guy has amazing music taste.

May
Internship is a go! WHAT DO I DO?
In May, I got the incredible news that I've been hired as an intern UI Designer at Coffee Stain Studios! My heart skipped a beat, I jumped up and down, I walked through the classroom with a huge smile on my face. It's happening! Then, the realisation struck me: it's happening. I have friends and family here. I have a boyfriend here. I HAVE TWO CATS HERE. PANIC. THIS IS THE TIME TO PANIC.

I tried my best to remain levelheaded, to not get caught up in the rush of it all. There are times where I was 'gone', my head in the clouds, or I was compiling mental to-do lists.

June
Hello old, new room.
In a one year time span, I had moved from my apartment, to a student room, to go back to my old room at my dad's place, to move to Sweden. It was an odd sensation to be back in a room I spent my teenage years in. Right now it's as if I'm just in dire need of finding a place of stability. A place to build on. We never know what life has to offer us in the future, but things are looking good. :)

July
I guess it's long distance then? a.k.a. let's spend shit loads of time with the people I love.
July was the month of rushing. Of getting paperwork sorted, of moving into a temporary place, of saying goodbye to friends, family, pets, places. Of making sure that everyone knew how much I care about them. Of making sure that everyone knew how much I was going to miss them. I hope I managed to do this well.

August
Hamburg, Bremen, Glasgow, Skövde
Hamburg was gorgeous, although the impact and grandeur of the city made me feel lonely. Bremen is a lovely place, and I'll never forget cycling past the Becks factory while smelling the new beers being produced. Glasgow is in my heart forever, just like the lady I visited. Skövde is home to Coffee Stain, a place I love to be a part of.

September
Ch-ch-changes
Swedes are different, but I like them. From what I can see, a lot calmer and contained than what I'm used to of the Dutchies I've spent time with. It's known that Swedes are the hardest people to make friends with; it takes a bit to poke through the shell, but once you have it's all good.

October
About this long distance thing.
The distance itself is not the hard part. It's the hello's and goodbyes. It's being together again, knowing that it won't be long. It's the moments when all you want to do is wrap yourself around each other but you know that you HAVE to let go. It's trying to keep a smile on your face as someone walks away when all you want to do is cry, because you don't want that to be their last memory of you.

Long distance has definitely made me a stronger person. Long distance has made me better at communicating. Long distance has made me better in finding out why I act the way I act or why I feel the way I feel.

Most importantly: I am madly in love with this dude.

November
Stockholm, Frightened Rabbit,
Frightened Rabbit. I love this band. SO MUCH. Not much to say there. The concert was amazing, the concert venue was beautiful. The location was breathtaking. We took a walk and looked over the craziness of Stockholm city. People living. As much as everyone.

December
A box of Dutch goodness.
My father sent me a box of Dutch food that was IMPOSSIBLE to get here. It felt so satisfying to eat erwtensoep, stroopwafels, hamka's, all these things that I never thought were possible to miss in my life. A can of erwtensoep and two extra rookworsten still await to be devoured. Soon.

Counting the days.
The last week my head has definitely already turned on vacation mode. I just can't wait for the day to be over so Friday is closer. I can't wait to get into that plane and see everyone again.

Hello lovelies!

It has been a while since my last entry, but I find myself not having anything else to do at the moment so why not write a blog post?

November has been going at a steady pace, with only around 2 weeks left. During the first week of the month we went to Berlin with the company. We went to different restaurants, some more experimental than others. It was a really great experience, I learned more about the company, got to know the people I work with better, and in turn they got to know me better. I managed to take some pictures which I'll add (along with some other ones from Halloween and how the weather has been here. Like, SNOW?!?!)

During my free time I've been working on a little side project, and it's a very nice feeling to know that I can still do other things than just what I've been doing at.. work? internship? (I consider it work so work it is.) It includes level design, narrative design, and foolproofing it to the max since it is being made for someone who is not considered a hardcore gamer. Good practice for me, it's also being made for someone I care about very deeply so more reason to make it as best as I can. :) My deadline is in a little more than a week and I still have a lot of ideas to fulfill, but as always, we'll see how far we can get.

Together with two of my co-workers at Coffee Stain we've started playing a boardgame called Descent, it's a lot of fun! We use the iPad to DM for us, it plays music and sound and everything. Although it felt a little weird at first, once you get used to it it's quite nice. (But nothing beats a real DM, no worries Birk. <3) The reason I enjoy the game especially is because it's quite rule-bound, there are steps you have to take in your turn, there are determined steps each round, and it just plays very nicely that way. One of the reasons I kind of struggle with open world games or D&D is because there is so much freedom. Giving me that amount of freedom basically makes me go 'Ima do nothing. Bye,'

Sometimes I kind of miss having a side job or activity, like working at the bar or the animal shelter in my weekends. It's good to have some other form of (social) activity outside of your own network/bubble. Perhaps when I've actually settled in a place to call my own this will be something to start taking steps towards.

Anyhow, let's end things on a positive note! Despite missing my friends, I feel like I'm in a great place.

Liefs, x.

Internship

Ka-pow! The first 8 weeks of my internship have gone by. Flew by, to be honest. I'm feeling pretty good where I am, and with what I'm doing. Despite knowing that I'd move away from home. the furthest I've ever been from the people I love, those first few weeks here were terrifying. It's an incredible sensation to tackle the things that you fear. Going abroad was something I had wanted to do for the last 8 years, and I'm incredibly grateful with when and how things are going.

Now that the first 8 weeks of internship are over, it means I am getting my mid-term assessment next week. I feel nervous, and there will always be this voice of insecurity in the back of my head, but step by step I'm learning to listen to that voice within reason. Up next:

Worry and Let Go

Long Distance Relationship

Giving a shit while not giving a shit

Some years ago, I was described as 'people-pleaser'. And there was definitely a truth to that statement. Being afraid to voice my opinion, because my opinion would cause conflict, and conflict would cause confrontation, and confrontation would cause arguements, and arguements would mean fighting. It was easier to just nod, and agree. At least, that was how my brain worked back then. (It didn't take long before I got into conflicting situations, since, well, you simply can't agree with everyone and everything without causing conflict someplace.)

I do things because I care. Because I want it to be good. I want it to make sense. I want it to be worth someones time, effort, or even so much as someones thought. I do things because I just want to do it, regardless of anyone's opinion on the matter.

It's an art to give a shit while not giving a shit. Being able to say, no, I do not agree with your opinion, but thanks for sharing; still caring enough to acknowledge someone else's opinion without invalidating it.

Doing the things you love without becoming reliable on comfort zones

Comfort. The eternal love-hate relationship of (my) life. On some days I wonder why I didn't pick something simple to spend at least 40 hours per week of a large portion of my life on, until I realise I'd probably lose my mind if I had to do the exact same job every single day. Is there anyone at all that feels genuinely certain about their career choice(s)?

Accepting anxiety

Hello anxiety, it's good to see you again. I genuinely mean it. I didn't have any anxiety attacks for a while, but since the move to Sweden I've had a few again. It made me talk with people, it made me open up to people. It meant I had to make myself vulnerable to get over it. I suppose this connects with my thoughts on comfort zones. I love being comfortable - for a while. There's this fine line, where if things get too comfortable I start feeling empty. Being here is a great refreshment. It's teaching me a lot about myself, about where that fine line begins and ends.

In other news,

Life is pretty fucking awesome! I finished reading the book 'More Fool Me' by Stephen Fry, and I'd like to end this blog entry with how he ended his book.

'If days be good, they shall pass, which is a lowering thought. If they be bad, they shall pass, which is cheering. I suppose it is enough to know this and cling on to it for some small comfort when confronted by the irredeemable and senseless folly of the world.'

Liefs, x.

Well, September flew by like crazy. It seems quite funny that all the things I'd been worrying or stressing about on end now feel like it was a walk in the park. (despite having learned a lot about trusting my gut, I think I could do with trusting it a bit more.)

My first month in Sweden has been absolutely fantastic. Still figuring out my routine but it's getting there! What I need to learn most is how to live with this thing called 'I'm-still-kind-of-a-poor-student-budget', while still keeping up with the social activities that I really don't want to miss out on. 

This weekend I went out for the first time to a different city, which was around a 3 hour car drive to a place called Västerås where we went to the Retro Gathering. I got a super cute membership card which has my nickname on it. A memento for all times! 
We stayed in a hotel on the 7th floor, and I managed to got a pretty picture around sunrise.



As I mentioned before, my budget wasn't that impressive so I had a mental list of things I really wanted to have to not go completely overboard. My loot is the following:


Dino Dini's Kick Off for the NES - Dino Dini was my math teacher in the first year of IGAD. This guy is just so passionate about everything he does, and I truly think it's an admirable quality. His math class was the first one I've ever passed in my life. I think his determination was something that inspired me.

Vagrant Story - An awesome RPG that I have fond memories of, watching my brother play as I was a tad too young (or absentminded) to understand the gameplay. I look forward to playing this one when I get my PS2 back.

Final Fantasy IX - The last one I missed in my Final Fantasy collection, which is now complete! FFIX is up there in my favourites. I never get tired of putting on the soundtrack and dreaming away. (Also, Steiner is the best character.)

A photo with game dev legend Jon Hare - Jon Hare visited our University last year and I remembered being pretty inspired by his story, so at the Retro Gathering I went to see his talk. At the end I started talking with him and he remembered the University. He agreed to do a polaroid photo with me! :)

I loved being at the convention, talking with all kinds of people and finding out where their passion for games comes from. The games industry is still reasonably new, which is why I think it's all the more important to understand who were the people that started this thing we now find ourselves in.

At one point I found a Nintendo 64 with StarFox, and I think I spent around 3 hours playing and completely losing myself in the game. Time well spent!



On the way to the Convention I unfortunately got pretty sick during the car ride, so we'd decided I would take the train back on my own. Train rides are one of my favourite things in life, so it was a blessing in disguise! :)

This blog entry is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point. Hahaha, no it isn't.

I've been pleasantly surprised with myself over the last two weeks. Being here is teaching me a lot about myself, my personality, the way I'm programmed to behave or respond. But being here without really having someone or something to fall back on in a close vicinity is in a strange way very liberating. Why? When I have a problem, or something I need to talk about, it requires me to gather up courage and walk up to someone I don't really know that well. It's a gamble. Will this person want to help me or talk about it?

Of course, things like WhatsApp and Facebook make it easier for us to stay connected with our close ones and those that we feel comfortable talking to, but it's not how I want to spend living abroad. I'm here because I want to meet new people, learn about different cultures, learn about the industry, and because I want to challenge myself.

At work, I've realised that although I'm good at what I do - I'm not great at it. What drives me though, is to constantly learn. To constantly find out why something works the way it does, and how it can be improved. To talk with people and find out why they prefer in that way, and what their reasoning behind it is. I'm very grateful for the environment that I'm in - I'm learning so much every day (and there is still so much to learn!) and I feel like a part of the team.

In personal matters, I'm glad that I'm no longer afraid to open up once I feel that there's a connection. I've learned to listen better to what goes on inside, and to trust what goes on inside.

Now, to get to the point I was trying to make: I truly believe that if you have an open attitude, a constant curiousity and a willingness to learn, you can improve yourself in anything you do.

Liefs, x.

After having finished my first workweek and my second weekend in Sweden, it's time for another short blogpost!

I don't have that much to say honestly. I'm very much enjoying it here and obviously adjusting to all the changes; the new environment, the new people, living in the apartment, getting frustrated finding out how the most basic stuff works (like doing your laundry, getting a vacuum cleaner, how an oven works and throwing away your garbage.). Eventually we figured everything out, now it's time to figure out a nice weekly routine!

During the first couple of days I took a small walk through the town, to get a feeling for where most of the things are located. The city centre is small and cute, and there are plenty of shops and pubs to explore. So far the people are very nice and I feel comfortable thanks to the fact that everyone speaks English. Despite being able to communicate in English here, I still sit and learn Swedish for 15-20 minutes everyday; it's nice to one day hopefully be able to follow along with conversations.



Liefs, x.

Sunday, my third day in Sweden! After around 8 hours of smooth travel (and 18 hours of being awake and active) I arrived at my new home for the coming time: Skövde. (Only recently I found out that this is pronounced as ghuvde.) I am so happy, stoked and excited to be here. Yesterday I met two of my soon-to-be-coworkers when we went out for a drink.

FIRST! Let's take the time to look back on the trip here!

Day 1

Departure

On Friday morning, Birk and I got up at around 6.30 AM. I woke up crying, because I was feeling too many things at the same time. Up until the point of getting to the airport I felt a little sick and lightheaded, probably because my brain was doing a great job of making me think about all the things that could go wrong. Luckily, Birk and Anthea were there to help me focus on all the good things: I'm going to fricking SWEDEN! I'm going to do what I LOVE doing! There's nothing to worry about!

The Flight

After dinner I had a proper after-dinner-crash and pretty much fell asleep around 9.30 PM.

Day 2

The numbers!

After returning from a glorious trip to Hamburg and Bremen, I am happy to be back home. One of the reasons being that this home will only be my home for three more weeks. After that, it's time to move to Sweden for at least 6 months!

The three week trip was amazing. It was my first time in Germany, and the first time that I went to a city of this size (~2 million). Although I loved being there, I also felt lonely at times. It's the same with any bigger city; it's both liberating and disconnecting. I felt free since no one really looked at me or cared about what I did, which can be a great feeling. I felt lonely because it felt like there was no human connection or interaction with the people in the city. For me it confirms that it's truly important, for your own sanity, creativity, and productivity, to create your own little hub of safety. People to love and be loved by, to accept and be accepted by, and to support and be supported by. We need it. All of us.

It was a trip I will never forget, a trip full of love, good talks, good beers, tasty food, forest walks, silly moments, tears, and beach sunsets. A trip full of warm welcomes and happy hugs. One I'm very grateful for.


Now that I'm back in the Netherlands for a little while, I want to make the most out of it. It takes time to create time, so back to the planning board it is. How can I use my time best?

Looking at my previous short term goals:

• Sell the last couple of things in my room.
• Buy flight tickets and plan the route to Skövde.
• Learn Swedish, 30 minutes a day.
• Buy a PlayStation 4.
• Set up my monthly budget.
• Get to know the area in Skövde.

Last summer, I wrote down 5 goals (or promises even) that I wanted to achieve in the next 5 years. Some of them I have achieved already. some of them were moved to a later stage and some of them are in the process of being achieved. I've always been a goal-oriented person, as it helps me 'measure' progress. If it's something personal, if it's a project, or if it's simply getting through the day: I need goals. Stagnating is something that scares me, and something that I want to avoid; I'm always on the move towards something new.

Totally stealing this format from another blog, but here goes. My goals for the next year:

Short Term Goals: 1 - 2 months

• Sell the last couple of things in my room.
• Buy flight tickets and plan the route to Skövde.
• Learn Swedish, 30 minutes a day.
• Buy a PlayStation 4.
• Set up my monthly budget.
• Get to know the area in Skövde.

Medium Term Goals: 3 - 6 months

• Pick up my hobbies again.
• Meditation.
• Writing.
• Some form of exercise (Gym or yoga. Thanks to my stupid ankle I cannot run anymore).
• Get back into regular gaming again (Perhaps make a list of games owned and games I want to finish).
• Furniture my flat with the basics.
• Shift the focus of my blog towards documenting my daily work, habits and life in Sweden.
• Have my friends come over in Sweden.
• Go to Stockholm.
• Go to Gotenburg.
• Create a polaroid diary. (Take polaroids of whatever I'm doing that moment. Write the date and a little reflective story of how I felt about it.)

Long Term Goals: 1 year or longer
I honestly suck at creating such long term goals because I know they'll change anyway.

• Get better at UI and game design.
• Get a better feel for 2D art, how to use shapes and colours, speedpainting.
• Save enough money for a roadtrip through possibly multiple countries.
• Plan the graduation roadtrip with Anthea, Hannah & Cristina.
• Well, graduate.
• Go on the roadtrip.

I've been thinking of several different ways to change up the format of this blog. Having started this little thing last year in August, I can safely say that writing has helped me in feeling incredibly happy in the present. On a personal level, I am very confident and content with myself. Yet on a professional level, I'm not quite there yet.

What I'd like to do from this moment on is make the blog a bi-weekly thing, where I reflect on what has happened and how I'll approach it next time, kind of like a checklist. I'd like to think it'll be less personal and more professional, but it is something I will have to adjust to. Nine out of ten times I don't really consciously think when I'm writing, but I want to make it something that takes actual decision making. Perhaps I'll even add some vlogs!

I am kind of curious; this blog reaches quite some weekly viewers and yet I only hear from a handful. ;) Let me know who you are, and let's share our stories!

Liefs.
x

Suddenly, 3 months seems like a very short timeframe. I can't disclose any official info yet, but I've found an internship as a UI designer/artist! It's basically everything I've wanted and worked towards. It hasn't really struck me yet, but in just 3 months from now I'll be living in a different country. For a year. A country that I've never even visited.

I'm incredibly excited, motivated, happy, and looking so much forward to it! There's a couple of things I need to take care of beforehand, and I'm going to have to learn to speak a different language (all the challenges!!).

It's funny how life basically has the same structure with each challenge that you face: you're going to hit a massive low or a massive bump. And it's going to stop you for a while. But you'll need that little rest phase and use it to continue into the next challenge.

There's questions popping up, worries popping up; I realise these are all healthy things and they're also necessary for me to realise what's going on all of a sudden.

It's finally happening: a dream that I've had for the last 6 years. The dream is becoming reality.

Liefs.
x

• I haven't found an internship yet.

Subconsciously hollow.
Consciously overwhelmed.

Simultaneous chatter.
Words too few for words too many.

Blue is taking over.
To the depths from the surface.

Immovable walls.
Imagining it all.

It's reappearing.
Telling me to go away.

An excessive revolution
is only the start.

At the end of last week, I had a horrible stomach flu; which meant I spent around 3 days being alone in my room.

Being alone is both a curse and a blessing for me. I get way too caught up in my head after spending too much time alone. Negativity takes over, thoughts take over, and before you know it I've spent hours in bed doing absolutely nothing; turning into a negative thought loop of "oh god I suck" + "I've done nothing to improve" = "boohoo!".

I'm so grateful that going to therapy last year has taught me how to deal with this stuff. I've learned to realise that thoughts are just thoughts. I know that those thoughts are not me. Those thoughts are remnants of a past me. The scary thing is that these thoughts can inflict your future you to a great extent.

Then suddenly, after sending out a dozen internship applications - I received my first reply! My initial reaction was "ALREADY?" followed by "HOW DOES BREATHING WORK AGAIN?" followed by strolling up and down the hallway for 30 minutes because I was so filled with excitement. Things are getting real! The e-mail was positive, I was given an assignment which I have a week for (I have 2 days left). Things are going very well so far and I've received only positive feedback on what I've been working on. Good times all round! (Also, no pressure at all. Ha.)

Tomorrow is the deadline for our school project, Friday is the deadline for my personal objectives this block and next Monday is my panel exam. Next Wednesday is Industry Day at University where I hopefully get to talk to a few people from companies (including the one I'm currently doing the assignment for). There are a lot of exciting and amazing things coming up that I'm looking very much forward to. The lazy part of me has to admit that she cannot wait to binge watch Firefly next weekend and go to Scotland for 8 days the following weekend.

Closing off with a little mantra that I can definitely relate to:
But I ain’t in a patient phase"
(Thanks Marina & The Diamonds)

Have a great week, everyone!
Liefs,

X

A Dutch page which I've been following for a few years posted this today: the "fuck-it-list". It's basically the exact opposite of a bucket list; write down things you don't EVER want to do again!

I've been hit with an annoying stomach bug the last few days, causing me to start thinking negatively again and getting stuck in thought loops. Thankfully a long walk outside, some thinking, writing, and being surrounded with great people helped me get back on track again.

So, the "fuck-it-list". I'm going to make it an actual physical list and I'll keep updating it, but for the heck of it I'll post my top 5 here.

1. Giving up on my ideals or dreams because of someone else's opinion.
Nope! Never doing that again. My intuition has proven this many times by now. Keep doing what I'm doing. If it makes me happy, it makes me happy. If I'm not harming anyone with it, keep going.

2. Getting upset or angry over the past.
The past is exactly that; it has passed. The only thing I'm doing by getting upset about it is wasting valuable energy which I could be using on the present and the future.

3. Measuring my success with others.
Another nope! We are all on our own paths, we are all working towards something WE want for ourselves. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever to lay your path next to someone else's path and count the differences.

4. Judging before knowing.
I'm not proud of it, but I've done the hate-spree thing. "Oh, this person is just AWFUL. LOOK at them!". I am honestly NOT proud of it, and I promise myself that I will never do this again.

5. Staying in an unhappy situation for the sake of others.
It's good to care about others, and it's good to make others feel happy. It's NOT good to do this at the cost of your own happiness or sanity. If you can't take care of yourself, you'll never be able to take care of someone else.

First 5. Done.

Liefs,
X

We've all been there: exhausted, braindead, unmotivated, restless. So what do we do? We start scrolling. Scrolling mindlessly through our news feed, scrolling through our YouTube subscriptions, scrolling through our Twitter feed. And over time, we become numb. We become numb and fail to realise that while we're doing this, not only does life move on, we're also wasting valuable energy!

Over the course of the last few weeks I've been (lightly) giving myself a smack on the head when I find myself doing the mindless scrolls of endless activity. Instead, I grab my tablet, or a piece of paper, and I draw! I found the 21 Day Art Challenge via a UI artist I got in touch with last month, and it's been very fruitful so far. Not only am I getting better at it, it's helping me in pursuing my goal to become a UI Designer / Artist, and it helps me be more open and less afraid of receiving feedback since I'm forcing myself to share the studies I've been doing.

Of  course there are still days where I find myself feeling completely empty and void of any inspiration. Nothing appears. Nothing at all. It becomes very tempting to grab that little device and start scrolling again, but instead - I'll grab a record, or go for a walk. It's all about forcing yourself to let go of the stupid little habits that creep up on you and make you unhappy over time, even it if feels weird to do so at first.

So, here's some progress of day 1 to day 12. I can say I'm definitely happy in what's happened in spending only 30 minutes to half an hour every day doing this, and looking forward to the results of keeping this up even after 21 days! :)

Happiness is a choice.

Happiness is hard work.
Happiness is being disciplined, in everything you do.
Happiness is knowing where your priorities are.
Happiness is maintenance.
Happiness is finding joy in everything you do.
Happiness is turning the most dire situation into the best you can make of it.
Happiness is knowing your needs and wants.
Happiness is giving it your all.
Happiness is knowing when to let go.
Happiness is being okay with the choices you make.
Happiness is loving and forgiving yourself, no matter what.
Happiness is knowing that everything will be over someday, good or bad.

Happiness is being.

I haven't written in a while! Trust me, this time it's a good sign.

Honestly, I'm kind of forcing myself to write right now. I feel good, I feel happy. There's the occasional anxiety and insecurity, but I've finally learned to step away and look at myself objectively during those moments. Ofcourse, I do still mess up from time to time (perfection doesn't exist anyway).

The good thing is, these days I mess up without messing it up, if that makes any sense. A few years back, I'd fall into *PANIC MODE!* and become absolutely determined that THIS is what I was feeling right now so THIS needed to be done RIGHT now - causing for utterly silly and completely avoidable situations. Messing up these days looks more like "Ah hey, you know what, I'm not sure. I'll come back to it later.". Still messy, but getting better!

Anyway,
it's March! It's amazing! Blue skies and sunny evenings have returned. This weather is what makes me be at my best.  Today marks the first day of sunbathing, and it was wonderful (although I was slightly ambitious with my clothing choice since I had to go back home to get another sweater). Yesterday I watched the sunset with a very special someone, something I didn't expect to happen at all.

I'm going to miss this place. It's been good to me.

Perhaps that's what's getting to me: the certainty of uncertainty. Being fully aware that in 6 months form now, I won't be here anymore.

Where there's a part of me that is still fully here, still maintaining my focus on whatever it is that matters right now. Yet there's also the part of me that's already leaning out. The wind that already brushed through my hair, the other part of me that is jealous of the steps that were already taken.

More often I find myself restless and scared. I want this so much. I want and need to leave this place. There is nothing left keeping me here.

Still, I have to keep reminding myself that where I am is still here. To not forget and neglect those around me.

Baby steps. All in good time.

Liefs,

X.

(500) Days of Summer. My all-time favourite movie. It was thanks to my brother recommending it to me, that I ever looked at it at all.

I had just gone through my first break-up, and I felt shattered. Even though I was the one who did the breaking up, my world felt like it was crumbling down piece by piece. I had barely any self-awareness, I wasn't as stable as I am now, and I sure wasn't as comfortable with my own vulnerability.

The first time I saw you, I was a Tom. Admittedly, I secretly wanted to be a Summer - there were these little quirks she had that I could relate to - but her strength was something back then I couldn't even admire. I felt that she was inconsiderate, at times even selfish and vicious!

You were my break-up movie. You were the one to consolidate me that I would run into someone again, an Autumn, a Winter, or a Spring.

Yesterday evening, I watched you for the first time in my life not associating it to a break-up. (I've probably seen you about 10 times by now. I know, I love the cheese.) For the first time in my life, I identified with Summer.

I have yet to run into the one that doesn't leave me wondering of the things 'I was never sure of with you'.

I simply don't know how to do this. When I was 16, I believed in true love. I believed in the kind of love that would last a lifetime. That if you found your person, you would stick around, stay together, and fight for each other no matter the cost.

But now, 10 something years later - I've found that it's impossible for me right now. There were some seriously committed relationships, one that lasted five years and one that lasted three years. And although I felt very happy during those relationships, over time I just feel as if the constant struggle made it somewhat "destructive".

Yesterday, a friend explained to me that relationships can feel like you're swimming and everything's going with the flow, while the current could change at any second and suddenly - it'll feel like you're swimming against the current for years. The difference is that you'll find a person who makes it worth all these struggles and all these battles. Although I agree, I think I've realised that it's not for me yet, that I first need to figure out my own battles before I can commit to those of someone else. Or, in all honesty, maybe I just haven't found my person yet.

It brings me to my next question though, where I wonder if there really is just "your person". Isn't life about constantly changing, growing and adapting? What if that means you'll find "your person" in different persons every so often? I know that during the committed relationships I had, I thought that they were "my person"...

I do still believe in true love, I just don't think it's this once chance that lasts a lifetime. I think you can find true love in friends, in your family, in your work, in the experiences you live through. And sometimes, you'll meet a person that you'll want to stay close to - but it doesn't mean it will be forever. It's a fleeting moment, just like happiness - but you can make it last by letting the memories stay close to you.

"We can all sing simultaneously, but it doesn't work that way when we talk." She said this humorously, without any intent of sounding as clever as she did.

I didn't reply. I smirked. Even though we do not see each other often, each time we do it's filled with genuine surprise. One could only hope to become like her at that age.

Often when I try to explain what I do for a living, I have a hard time to convey how much psychology comes with it, how much empathy, how much understanding of your surroundings is required. I think I've learned now, thanks to her.

"So, even though you might not enjoy this yourself, you have to design it in such a way that others will enjoy it?" And there we have it. Explained in one sentence.

Thank you, for being exactly you. For all the wise lessons you've taught me.

You're wonderful.

For the last 2 to 3 weeks I've pretty much been living on autopilot. I've neglected the daily rules I made for myself, I've neglected being mindful of the things I'm supposed to be doing, and I went back into the kind of life I used to live a year ago.

I heard you
again
years later

All of your words made sense

I didn't have to
look you up

I didn't have to
analyze
every syllable that came out of your mouth

Naturally
all
of it

Perhaps
all we had
was built on it

Perhaps all of our close connections
were
there before.

One day
I
will
be
gone

and all that remains
is the idea

x

Hey. Here's me then.
Five years passed by, and I still don't know why.

Here's me then.
It's grown a little bit colder, still can't look you in the eye.

Can I
be your friend now?
Please let me have a go.
I'll hold your hand and sing you the sweetest lullaby.

Here's me now.
Ten years passed by,
but at least I can look you in the eye.

Hey. Here's me now.
You gave it a shot,
at least I know I tried.

Can I
go to sleep now?
They'll hold your hand and sing you the sweetest lullaby.

x

After about 1,5 years, I finally got a PC that can manage running Adobe Premiere and doesn't require me to render for thirty minutes whatever I'm editing every five minutes. So, I've decided to start making little compilation videos of the roadtrip I did through Scotland in 2014.

...there is about 200 gigs of footage.

Every Sunday for the past three weeks I've been doing some sorting and deciding what kind of compilations I'd like to make. Today I finished the first compilation! And as the title says, it's like therapy. For a long time I struggled with giving myself 'me-time' or allowing myself to relax and do nothing. Due to my old pc being a wreck, it only caused me to stress out even more when I worked on editing (in pretty much any type of software, it wouldn't even run Photoshop!). So that lovely day, three weeks ago, when I turned on my new PC (I very fittingly named it The Cheat, in loving memory of sbemail-pc) and started up Adobe Premiere, fond memories returned.

That day, I spent 10 hours on end editing and sorting out footage. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. My plan is to create around 4 or 5 compilation video of about 1:30 minutes maximum. They're the right length to keep your attention, and it forces me to make a very aware and distinct selection in what footage I would like to show, as I am a fond believer of less is more!

Of course I'm going to close off todays entry with a link to the video. It's such a weird experience to see myself from 1,5 years ago, and how much I've changed not only in my ways but in my appearance as well! Another confirmation of making the right decisions and following the right path. :)

Enjoy the video, and enjoy your Sunday.

Liefs. x

Compilation 1

I was inspired to write this little piece after having read a diary entry about the death of David Bowie.

David Bowie was someone I grew up with. It started out as him playing Jareth, the goblin king in the fantastic movie Labyrinth. Frequently I imagined myself being Sarah - specifically the masked ball scene in her beautiful dress. And I am admitting right now, that Labyrinth is a movie I watch at least once every year. It's also a movie where I can honestly say that it is my favourite movie of all time, no matter how ridiculous people think it is.



My father grew up with David Bowie. At first, he thought Bowie was terrible. That he was a bit of a weirdo. He wasn't entirely sure what to think of it. Until he heard Little Bombadier, and he fell in love with his music.

Ofcourse, David Bowie was something that then became a part of my childhood as well. I'm thankful for being introduced to his amazing work.

I'm so inspired and in love, with how music, art, or in this era, games, can bring people together. It can intertwine emotions and ambitions. People like David Bowie are an inspiration to me - because no matter how often they were told no, or no matter how often they were laughed at, they continued on. Because they believed in it. Because it felt right.
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to create. I wanted to make people smile. I wanted people to forget about their hectic daily lives, even if it was just for a few seconds. Even though I'm a "grown-up" now, I still love play. I still love escaping the daily obligations we're put up with. I still love daydreaming off into my own worlds of fantasy. Even though I haven't gotten as far as I would've imagined myself at this age, I am not giving up. Creativity is what drives me, and creativity is what keeps me alive.

Thank you David Bowie, for giving us so much of you.

With a lot of exciting things coming up ahead, a lot of things that need to be taken care of, and the worries that come with it, I'm kind of forgetting to live in the present.

Even though I'm working on something every day, sometimes it feels a bit like I'm just rushing through these days to get to the next ones as fast as I can. And that's not necessarily bad! I'd rather look ahead instead of looking back. I just need to remind myself that even though I wish it was 5 months into the future, we're not there now. Not yet!

I've settled on destinations where I'd like to go to, I've done the preparations that were needed, now it's a matter of contacting and doing the actual thing. But I find myself scared again. That feeling of "Are you sure you can do this?", "Are you sure this is what you want?", "Do you realise what you're setting yourself up for?". Yes, I do want this! And yes, I know that I can do this. But still, I get scared.

It's a good feeling, a healthy one. One where I know that I'm alive and that I'm challenging myself time and time again.

So, remind me. I'm here now, and I'll get where I'm supposed to be. "There" will be "now" soon enough (although I don't exactly know where there is).

The world is out there and it's waiting.