Everything was on autopilot. I did not care about anything that happened, and I was fully aware of it. I think that was the major difference. I was fully aware of the things I did, the things I didn't do, how careless I came across. And even though I was fully aware, I did not have the strength to change anything about it. "It's fine. I can relax in two more weeks." "It's fine, I'll pick things back up again in two more weeks." And after every single day, I felt myself become unhappier with every second that passed. It honestly scared the shit out of me, and it made me realise how strong and how in control I've become over the last 6 months. 

A combination of being ill, not allowing myself to rest, working towards a variety of deadlines, and managing daily life turned me into a person I'm not. It's scary how only three weeks of neglecting yourself and your values can make you feel like you'll never be able to return again. I don't know how there's people doing this for the entirety of their whole lives. I guess in some way I could say that I have the utmost respect for those that do, because it's driving me up the wall.

So here I find myself on a Tuesday, the 2nd of February. Going through all of my notes that I wrote over the last months, going over old blogposts, and trying to get a hold on myself again. If there's anything I realised, the things that make me happy are the things I do out of passion and love. Cheesy as it may sound, love is something that drives me. I cannot do anything without it. It's something I need in my life in one way or another, and it's something I refuse to let go of. The love I find in my friends around me, the love I find in my work, the shared love I find in our current project, is exactly the thing that drives me. It's not about popularity, it's not about money, and it's certainly not about bragging or pushing it into other peoples' faces. It's out of love. 

So hand over the cheese, because I simply love the shit out of it.