Ninyn

Inspired by my roommate Kayleigh.

I'm writing this letter to myself. Myself from 10 years ago.

Dear Nathalie,

Right now, you're probably sitting in your room. With your purple hair, your band shirt, your studded wristband. You've got your music on loud, you're probably playing Star Wars Galaxies or World of Warcraft. Anything to hide.

Because that's what you want. You don't want to be seen, you want to remain in the shadows, to remain in safety. That's also why you like him so much, why you're always waiting for him. I wish I could tell you right now, that waiting for someone is not how things should be. Any type of relationship, goal, or plan takes more than just one person fighting for it. It requires opposites and it requires balance. I wish I could tell you now, that it'll end up in hurt.

Life is pretty terrible at the time. There are people around you who love you regardless. You're going through a lot. You're not sure where you'll end up, or who you should listen to. You're afraid of being like her, sounding like her, or looking like her. Nathalie, guess what. Sometimes you are like her. Sometimes you do look like her. Sometimes you do sound like her. It's not that weird, is it? Once you accept that this is just part of who you are, your life will be so much calmer.

You might not realise it now, but the reason you like playing games so much is very simple. This virtual universe gives you a chance to run away without being judged for it. Life inside the game is just that much better than the reality you're currently in. I still believe that we've made an okay decision. We might have run away from our problems at the time, but thanks to the friends you met in this virtual universe, you were able to place things. You were able to let go of the things that bothered you so much. Another entirely positive thing is that you found something so interesting, something you felt so connected with, that it became a place where you could express your creativity.

Remember this: you're a creative spirit, always have been and always will be. Don't listen to the people telling you you can't make a living of being creative. Because you can, and you're going to prove them wrong.

I can promise you this: life will get better. Life is actually going to be more fun than the virtual worlds you're exploring!

And with that, you'll learn that you have no reason at all to hide.

In just one year from now, you'll meet someone. You're going to love that someone very much, and you'll think you be with him for the rest of your life. You think that love is something magical that will win time and time again. You'll have five messy years with this person, but it'll teach you so much. It might not be during, or right after, but there will be a day where it will click. It'll all click into place and you're going to realise so many things. Why things worked, why other things never worked. There will be others after him, who will all teach you something else. I know that right now you're thinking that that's wrong, that love is a one-time offer, and that you'll never get it again. But you will. It's scary, and you'll do and say things you never thought you would. You'll end up being hurt, but you'll also end up hurting others. There is no flaw or mistake in that, it happens to all of us, it just means you're growing as a person.

College is only one year away. You can't wait to escape this place and become someone else entirely. You've got it all planned out: what you're going to wear on your first day, what you're going to say, what type of people you're going to meet.

You're going to meet a group of people, who will remain to be the best friends you'll ever have in life. Cherish them, because there will be moments where all they need is you, and moments where all you need is them. I know that right now you feel like you'll never fit in somewhere, and you'll never open up to someone. It's because you're afraid, afraid of showing your scars and all the thoughts that come with them. The people you'll meet though, will accept you, will accept your scars, and your thoughts with them.

It doesn't matter where you come from. Where you come from doesn't define you as a person. Your actions define you, and I can tell you that your actions ten years from now will make both you and those around you very happy.

You're not perfect, you never will be. But you're doing pretty great. All you need to do is open your eyes and see it for yourself.

Liefs.

As I'm currently in love with these lyrics, I decided to use them as the title for today's' blogpost. "Every morning there are mountains to climb.". Which is nothing else but the truth! There's challenges everywhere and in everything.

It's all a matter of setting your mind to it and doing it, really. Things that intimidate one person don't intimidate the other. The world is smaller than we perceive it to be.

In only 4 months of being less afraid to speak up and taking opportunities with an open attitude, life has shown me that it has so much more to offer than just the edges of your comfort zone. I was always terrified of approaching people who were 'more' than me because I felt unworthy. These days I'm starting to realise that we're all human, we all started somewhere, and nothing makes you more or less deserving.

These thoughts have also inspired me to start thinking about my next tattoo. Something to remind myself of the challenges I've overcome and the never ending challenges that will still come.


"When you are in need of stability and strength in your life - envision the oak in your minds eye."

A few years ago, I was told that people don't change. At the time, I agreed. These days, I'm not so sure anymore. I see change around me every day. I believe change is a good thing, you become less attached and less "stuck". I realise that this is something that doesn't work for everyone, and there is no fault in that. Be you and feel good about being you, that's all that matters. (Unless you're deliberately being a dick to people, then don't.)

For the song I've been referring to; here you go.

Liefs.

"So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

The simplest question that has sent my brain in such an overload.

I honestly don't know. Should I know?

Of course, I've got some idea of where I'd like to be. How I'd like my life to be. When we're speaking of a solid plan though, nope, I have got no clue. And to tell you the truth, I like it this way.

I like being surprised. I like adventures. I like not knowing how things will turn out.

Not saying I live my life recklessly and just go as I please. Every decision that I make, I'll try my best to make it the most thought-out one. Most of my decisions have been based on feeling, what felt right, what seemed right, and so far I've always landed on my feet. So far things have always seemed to turn out the way they're supposed to.

So, where do I see myself in 5 years?

I don't know, but I do know I'll be happy wherever I'll end up. Because I chose to be in that place.

Liefs

I'm not a saint, nor am I pretending to be one. I'm not looking for attention, I'm just here to share my thoughts. We all need to take a moment and put things into perspective sometimes.

Just four days ago, I had the worst panic attack I have ever had in my life. It was caused by something trivial; something that frightened me, something very silly. The next day, the news hit about the current circumstances in France, and over the rest of the world.

Even though we've all evolved, changed our lives in different ways, for different reasons, there's still two things humanity cannot get rid of: hatred and fear. Two emotions that are caused by ones own insecurities, unknowns or nightmares. Hatred and fear causes us to do many things, hurtful things. We discriminate each other, we make fun of each other, we even start wars based on fears.

The contrast between that panic attack and the news on the next day made me realise that we can be so very selfish, so inflicted by tunnel vision. It's a dangerous thing, but it's also an easy thing. Unfortunately, it's so very easy to become affected by hate and fear. It's so very easy to complain or become angry over trivial things. It's so very easy to hide behind jokes and a loud mouth. I realised how thankful I should be for waking up in a safe environment every single day. To have a roof over my head, to have food every day.

I've been teaching myself to act more out of love and understanding. To battle hatred and fear with understanding and kindness.

I'd like the world to become more like that: understanding and loving. It all begins with your own actions. Be thankful for the things you have, work for the goals you want, be kind and show compassion to those around you. It's not that hard.

When is enough enough? Where is the fine line? How does one define balance?

Routine isn't for me, and it never was. To some I'm "adaptable", to others I'm "untrustworthy". Who do you believe? Does it even matter how someone else sees you? I think it does, but it's up to you to define who the someones are that you want to listen to. The someones that matter to you. The someones that you want to be there for. The someones that want to be there for you.

And most of all, listen to yourself. Listen to what you have to say about you. Look at the people that inspire you. Look at the traits and qualities you like in them. Do you possess these? Do you want to possess these? Then work hard to become just like those that inspire you. Who knows, one day you might even become an inspiration.

Some days, it feels like everything is passing me by. Like I have no control over the days that pass and all the events that unfold. I think those are the moments to take a step back, take in what's happening, breath, and make things better.

I just want to escape sometimes. But I don't need to, it's all going to be okay.

Don't forget to take in the now. It's only here for a moment.

Why are you so afraid to get out of your comfort zone? Take that step, it's not so scary. I promise! 

Do that scary thing you always wanted to do.
Read that book you always wanted to read.
Talk to that person you've always wanted to talk to!

We're all here. We all make mistakes. There's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with pointing out peoples mistakes. If we follow up on the consequences and make sure we don't make that mistake again, there is no fault. None at all. Allow for growth, and don't hold a grudge to those that fucked up once.

Every day, I realise a little more how much the small things matter. The kind words from a friend, the simple thank you from a stranger, the friends that don't mind listening to your ramblings. Not just that, also the 10 minute breathers, or the moments of closing your eyes and forgetting the world for just that small portion of the day.

This summer, I've taken giant risks that absolutely frightened me. I've never lived on such a tight budget. I've never lived as basic as I am living now. And yet, I have never felt more free, while feeling so responsible. Every decision that I make, is a more conscious one. Every decision that I make, has reasoning behind it. I'm actively thinking about every little step that I take, and it's a great feeling.

I'm giving you a challenge: go and do a small thing that terrifies you. You'll notice that if you manage, the next bigger challenge will seem like a smaller one.

If it turns out to be awkward, let it be awkward. It might grow into something beautiful. Talk to a stranger. If they like you, awesome! Like them back, and make it something great. If it doesn't turn out to be, who cares? You've tried. What have you got to lose? 

You've taken risks before, and you made it. You've made it through, every time.

Don't get rusty.

Liefs,

Nathalie

It's time for confessions! Starting with my own: for the past 10 years, I've not been single.

I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 15, and there has not been a break longer than a month that I was not involved with someone (be it official or unofficial) until this day! I broke the spell: I've been single, and also completely out of the loop, for 3 months now.

My relationships have varied, lasting from 2 weeks, up to close to 5 years. The thing is that there was always someone. Someone to fall back on, someone to hide behind, someone to do the talking for me. I'm not saying that I wasn't with these people out of love - I most certainly was. Today marks the first time in my life where I feel comfortable being single, being my own individual, and deciding what's best for me. (Yes, it is terrifying.)

Another little confession I have to make: I'm not really sure why I always pursued a serious and committed relationship for so long. I've felt that society tends to put two things out there as the main ingredients for a "successful" relationship: marriage and kids. Two things that I do not want. Yes, I know that there is more to a relationship than those two things. A mistake I frequently made was basing my relationship on the needing, not on the wanting to be with that person. Looking back on the relationships I've been in - there was always a pattern that started appearing after passing a certain mark of time. Talks that involved "our" future, talking about committing, about moving in together, about marriage. That was also usually the point where I started questioning the relationship, or realising that it was not what I wanted. Combine that with my habit of putting the needs of others over my own ones... you get where this is going.

Honestly, I don't even know what I want out of a relationship. A friend, a travel buddy? I don't see myself living together with someone, nor do I see myself staying together with someone for the rest of my life. All I know for now is that I want to remain in control over what I want to do with my life, and I've found that in the past, relationships tend to get in the way of that. For me at least.

I know plenty of couples that make it work, that make compromises and don't mind doing so, or are simply happy with just being with each other. And I think that's beautiful. Just not for me.

Basically, what I went to get out of this is: don't feel pressured by external factors. Find the reasons for yourself why you truly want or do not want something. Find a good balance, one that makes you feel good about yourself, and it will all work out.



Liefs,

Nathalie