Ninyn

The year is almost coming to an end. Two months to go and we'll take part in this new year called 2016. Blogging has become a routine thing since about 3 months ago now. When I started, I honestly did not expect this was something I'd push through and continue doing. It's been so good to me, though.

Up until now, I didn't really make a thing out of it; I've only told my best friends and some of my relatives. They're my regular visitors, they tell me their opinion, and I love that. I love being able to share whatever things I go through or whatever things I think about, but I also love the fact that this is a place where I can let go of things.

Since blogging has become one of my weekly routines, and something I've gotten so much pleasure and support out of, I'm deciding to go bigger: sharing it openly. To many of you, this doesn't mean anything, but it's a giant step for me, and a giant step in the right direction.

As 2015 is coming close to an end, I'm taking this opportunity to list the things I've been, and still am, thankful for in the last year.

A - Anthea

We've known each other for close to eight years now, and the funny thing is, we didn't really become close friends up until three years ago.

We talk about things, that really, only we can talk about. We know each other by heart and we stick to our values. You're an amazing person, you've got your heart in the right place, you're a hard worker, and an inspiration to me.

Thank you for being the shoulder I can lean on, thank you for accepting the weirdo that I am, thank you for being harsh with me when I need it, and thank you for being my best friend.



*The only reason you're at the top of this list is because your name starts with an A, bitch.

B - Breda

Moving to Breda was quite an exciting thing. It's the furthest I've moved away from my hometown, my family and my friends (I know it's not even that far away, shush). It's a good feeling though, because I honestly feel independent now. There's time when I feel absolutely alone, where I've got moments giving myself a talk in the mirror. There's also moments where I absolutely love being alone and "treat myself" to a night out by myself.

I don't have my family living 5 minutes away from me anymore to fix things for me. Over the few months here, I've already fixed a plenty of things all by myself, and as stupid as it may sound, I felt so good about it!

What I needed to adjust to mostly, was moving in with two flatmates.These were two girls that I had never met before, and I kind of just went with it. I went from sharing 75m2 with my SO, to sharing 22m2 with my two cats. Never in a million years had I imagined I would be doing this. Especially not at 25 years old. It's a unique and fun experience, one I never thought I'd have. Another experience that I'm thankful for.

I've grown very fond of Breda. In a lot of ways, it's like Dordrecht. There's similar architecture and the city centre streets feel familiar, there's also the tourists. ;) It reminds me of the time I worked in the city centre in Dordrecht, working late, walking to the station, or strolling about on the streets after a night out.


C - Cats

My girl buddies, Féja and Rosa. At times, I feel guilty for not giving them the room and wilderness they need. Despite that, I'm so happy to have them with me. Every morning, my face is covered with cats, my ears filled with their purring, and my heart filled with warmth.

They seem to enjoy it here, they've got more to look at out of the windows, they still recognise people that come over who used to come over in the appartment. Also, they're my number 1 cuddles on nights that I feel lonely (turning into a crazy cat lady, much?).


D - Depression

In January 2015 I was diagnosed with depression. This had dragged on since shortly after 2014's amazing summer, where afterwards I realized something was wrong. Smiling became a chore, caring became an impossible task, helping others made me feel lifeless. To love someone was the most impossible thing I could ever imagine. All these things I always enjoyed wholeheartedly, had turned me into an empty shell.

My world crumbled. I felt lost, worthless, stupid. like a failure, like giving up. But I didn't. I don't know if it was courage, or just failing to care about anything at all anymore, but I took a complete open approach to dealing with depression.

Surprising myself and those around me - I took a completely open approach and said I would fight this. I told my family, I told my friends, I told the people I worked with. I told them honestly that something was wrong with me. I told them that I wasn't a victim - that I was going to fight. And honestly, the first few times I said this, I was blatantly lying. I was lying to all of you, and I was lying to myself. I didn't feel like fighting, I felt like giving up. Life felt like it wasn't worth continuing.

I spent days on end in bed, crying until I couldn't cry anymore. Then the crying turned into staring. The staring turned into overthinking, and the overthinking turned into hating. I hated everything, but mostly, I hated myself. I hated myself for ending up like this, I hated myself for doing this, I hated myself for asking for help or attention. I was doing this. Why would anyone else have to help me?

Truly, I've never experienced a worse kind of pain. When you hate yourself, nothing else in the world means a thing anymore. There's a blur of walls around you. Every small thing that is said to you, turns into a downward spiral of twisting. Twisting the words into a knife, and poking yourself with it, to try and see if you still have any capability of feeling something.

The funny thing is, I repeated that lie to myself everyday: I'm going to fight. I'm not a victim. I can change this. And after a battle of 8 months, that lie finally started to feel like a truth. Admittedly, I'm not completely over it yet - I still get relapses from time to time. The difference is is that I've learned how to live with it.



E - Endings

2015 had a lot of endings. Endings to a variety of things. Relationships, phases in life, things I found comfort in, friendships, personal struggles. If 2015 taught me anything, it's that every ending is followed with a new beginning.

Sometimes, things end just because they have to. Endings are not always a bad thing. It means you've learned something, or you've taught something - and now it's time to move on. It's as simple as that.

I know this seems like a super-happy-go-lucky approach, but just a reminder: endings do still hurt. Hurt is something that will always be closely connected with endings, because they're both the ingredients to something valuable: experience.



F - Family & Friends

Since I moved to Breda, it feels like I've opened up more. My perspective has changed on what friendship means. On how much it means. I've learned so much from all of you, in such a short time, and I wouldn't be who I am now if I didn't have you.

2015 has taught me how it's good to have different friends for different things. I've learned that not every friend is meant to fulfill the same role. Some friendships should be simple and on a surface level, and it's fine to keep them there. Sometimes, friendships become deeper and more meaningful, you become connected in a way you never imagined.

There's nothing wrong with that. There's no "ranking" in friendships.

I'm so incredibly thankful for you people allowing me into your life, into your families.

You are all an amazing bunch of people. <3






G - Global Game Jam

In 2015, I participated in my second ever Global Game Jam. It was again an amazingly fun experience, and a way more productive one than the year before. We managed to "finish"our game in 48 hours, and I'm quite proud of the work we did.

It's a valuable experience, where you learn just how much you can do with the very basic resources that you need, to produce something you can be proud of.

I met new people and stayed in touch with a bunch of them. I love the whole atmosphere during game jams, everyone's there for the same reason and everyone is tripping balls on the lack of sleep. I love the Global Game Jam, and it's something I want to keep doing every year!

H - Honesty

A strange fact is that I've always struggled with honesty. Reason being, that I've always been afraid to hurt or disappoint someone. I'd used to rather sacrifice myself or my values, so I could just "please" the other person.

Thankfully, I've learned to overcome this. I'm becoming increasingly honest, even if that means hurting the other person. Placing yourself in the position of the other person helps a lot with these decisions - wouldn't you rather have someone was honest with you right from the start, instead of finding out something was never real afterwards?

There's still a bit of a struggle sometimes, but kicking myself seems to help. :)

I - IGAD

It's the third year of IGAD, and there have been a lot of changes. The entire course has a new structure, most of the teachers that we "grew up with" left and have been replaced. Sometimes, it feels like I'm in an entirely different place. The first two years felt like home.

These days, often when I walk through the hallways I feel lost, or as if I'm looking for something. It's an odd feeling, and it might just be that I need to adjust to all the changes.

I'm excited though, because this year brings me closer to my next adventure: going to a different country!

J - Jaime

My little nephew, Jaime. You were born on May 14th, 2012. I remember seeing you for the first time, and all I felt was love. A love I had never felt before. I think, Jaime, you're bringing me the closest to what I'll feel as a "mother's love". It's funny, you confirmed that I'm capable of enjoying being around kids, but you also confirmed that I do not want to be or become a mother. Despite my own shortcomings, I'm proud of you, and I always will be.

You're a reminder to me how quickly time passes by. How change is something natural and crucial to our lives. You're a reminder of how pure life is, and how simple things are and always should be. I hope your life will always be good, but I know that's something that cannot and will not happen. Life is full of surprises and experiences. You'll be happy, you'll be excited, you'll be in love. But you also will be hurt, you will feel sad. Know that there's always your family and your friends, who will be there for you.

I will always be there for you.

K - KoffieTenTje

What does KoffieTenTje mean to me? Comfort, simplicity, kindness, warmth, and a feeling of familiarity. Marjon, the owner, has grown from being "just the owner" to someone who means something to me. She's so incredibly nice, she always has a smile upon her face, and she's genuine. Marjon is an inspiration to me, and I'm thankful to her for that.



L - Longing

My entire life, I've struggled with feeling lost and longing for something. I still have not found the "why" or the "where", but I have accepted that this is simply a part of me. There's a good chance this is a feeling that won't ever go away, and that's alright.



M - Michael

Things have always been a bit confusing, because I see you as a father, as a brother, but also as my best buddy. You're always there for me, no matter how badly I've fucked up this time around. Sometimes we get into this major clash, I think because our personalities are just so incredibly different. We both care, and we both love, but in entirely different ways.

I admire you, I have a huge amount of respect for you. We went through a whole lot of things, at a very young age. Things no one should really have to put up with, but we did. Not only did you have to pull yourself through all of it, you also had me to take care of.  You're incredibly strong, never forget that.

Ik houd van je, kakhoofd.



N - Nathalie

Yes, I'm including myself in my own ABC's!

Nathalie, you're allowed to be proud of yourself. You've conquered a lot this year, and it wasn't always easy. You can be EXTREMELY impulsive and stubborn, and even if that makes you unreliable at times, it also makes you incredibly easy going.

You're independent, you know what you want, you know who you want to spend your time with, and you know what you want to spend your time on. That means not everyone will enjoy being around you, but hey, that's not your problem.

You've gone from one extreme to the other this year, and it only proves how strong you have been and how strong you'll continue to be.

One thing you need to learn though: sometimes it's okay to take a step back. Take no shame in saying enough is enough. You are enough.

Be good, and stay good. :)

P - Papa

You're kind, you're sweet, you're simple, you're straightforward. Sometimes, you're pretty effing stupid and annoying. It's all a part of it, it makes me value you more. You can be the typical dad when you have to be, but you just really enjoy being yourself.

I love your simple approach to life, even if it means there are things we will never agree on. At times when I feel like the entire world is crashing down on me, all it takes is a five minute phone call with you to calm me down. I am so incredibly thankful for this.

Your approach to life something I admire and a lesson I've taken with me. Never forget who you are, and never give up who you are.

R - Rest

With all the changes I'm applying and challenges I'm overcoming, rest is a big part of it. I'm still learning when to "take it easy". I'm an introvert at heart, but my everyday life right now consists of meeting a lot of people, both during work and free time.

I don't mind meeting new people, in fact, I love it. I've become so much more open to allowing life to surprise me with the lovely little things it's capable of, but hey, I still really need my me time!

S - Scotland

Even though I've only been to Scotland twice in my life, whenever I'm there, I feel at ease. I feel like I belong. I've never felt this way with any other country I've visited. It's only been a few months since the last time I visited, and I mean it when I say that I feel homesick.

Eventually, I hope I get to spend my daily life there. For the near future, it doesn't seem likely, but it's a good goal to work towards.

Right now, I'm looking forward to May 2016 - because then I will see you again, Scotland! :)



T - Travel

I've already made a plenty of travel plans for 2016. It all depends on how much of these plans follow through with lifes continuing surprises.

So far, my plans include walking the West Highland Way by myself, in 7 days. Another plan is moving out of the Netherlands for at least 6 months for my internship.

Regarding internships, I'm keeping my options open, but I wouldn't mind if it turns out to be the UK or Scotland. ;)



W - Writing

2015 has become the year of writing! Not only did I start this blog, I've also picked up my personal journal again. I've been writing in my journal since 2009, but back then it was this occasional thing I did on the days I realised I still had a journal lying around somewhere.

Right now, I've created my own rule to write at least one day a week. Mostly, it's because I tend to forget to give myself some me-time. It's a good way to relax, to disconnect, and to look back and analyse your own actions.

Also, it's incredibly funny to go back to journals of 2009 and cringe at yourself.

Y - Young Galaxy

Young Galaxy is a band which I only discovered this summer, but is going to stay with me forever.

The last few days that I spent in my apartment, sleeping on the couch, sorting my life away in cardboard boxes marked with a cheap marker, moving away from a place I both loved and hated, and falling in love hard and fast only to realize it was not what I needed.

They had the exact right words at the exact right time. The summer of 2015 will always be remembered by them.

It's a new summer.

"It never would have been as good if built to last,
We never would have stood a chance if it didn't move fast."

Z - Zonsopgang

Ok, I cheated there because I didn't know a good word in English, so I'm going with zonsopgang. Zonsopgang is the Dutch word for sunrise.

How better to end my ABC's than to the start of a new day?


And so we've come to the end of this list. To those of you who took the time to read all of it, thank you.

End the last two months of 2015 with some major asskicking. Conquer your fears, work hard, love hard, and never give up.

Liefs,

Nathalie

Three more days, and we will have slowly but surely crept into November. October 2015 will be another memory, another month that passed. Every year, October is a break or make point for me, and this year around it was definitely a make!

I've stepped up in some things, stepped down in other things. I finally managed to lift a "curse" that I inflicted on myself for the past ten years, and I've created a routine which I can manage to keep going.

As always with October, yes, I do feel tired more often. I do feel sad more often. I do feel insecure more often. The difference is is that I've learned to work my way around it... Not even around it, I've learned to work with it. I managed to trace and learn where these feelings come from and how to fix them.

October 2015 was a special October for me. It's the first October where I was alone, but didn't feel alone at all. Even though I find myself reminiscing from time to time, the reasons for me to do so have changed. I'm not wishing back the times, or wishing I had done things differently. I'm merely reflecting and being grateful for the times that have passed.

Thank you, October. May your last three days treat me just as good as you have so far.

Liefs,

Nathalie

Something I'm paying a lot of attention to the last few months is retraining, or resetting certain habits that have become an automatic activity or action over the years. It's quite tricky sometimes, and it's quite hard not to shoot into either extreme ends of retraining yourself, where one is not doing anything at all, and the other is doing everything all at once.

One that I would like to talk about today is: prioritising.

I never realised this was the root problem of many things. Let's not call it a root problem, let's call it a root habit. A struggle I often ran into was trying to make everybody happy at the cost of my own happiness. This ended up in having to reschedule things, re-plan things or even cancel things entirely - which in the end only caused annoyances for everybody involved. The odd thing is, scheduling or prioritising things for others (like projects, deadlines, tasks) I can do fine. The struggle lies into quickly falling into my old pattern, which is overloading myself with all kinds of activities and tasks, losing sight over what is most important for myself at that time.

My way of going about this is: journals! I keep a calendar for my weekly tasks that involve work and school, while I keep a personal daily task list for things that I need to do during that day. If something is passed on to the next day, I make sure that it won't affect the things of today.

During projects, I write everything down, if it's something someone said at the spur of a moment, or during a meeting, or just during a normal workday. I write every single thing down. There's viable information everywhere.

When blogging about it like this, it all seems so very simple. It sounds like there's an easy fix and I shouldn't complain. It's true though, there is nothing to complain about! Habits are a weird thing, and they become even weirder when working on getting rid of them.

On another note, I managed to break a habit today that I had going for the last ten years. In secret, I'm actually quite proud of myself!

Have a good Sunday, everyone.

Liefs,

Nathalie

It's Saturday, it's grey and cold, the trees have lost their leaves, autumn has begun.

I don't handle cold very well. It gets me bad-tempered, I start secluding myself more, and I feel tired. A lot. All I want to do is stay in bed. This is what I would've said a year ago.

I still don't handle cold very well, but I've learned to love it. Today, I went out for a walk. Just a simple, 15 minute walk to the local park. I brought a bag, and started picking up leaves, acorns, chestnut, and small twigs. After a bit of scavenging and gathering, I walked back home with a full bag. Back home, I still had a couple of old jars that were standing there, ready for some cutesie DIY project. The result: my room is now super snug and comfy, filled with that lovely autumn atmosphere.

Walking around through the park, digging into the earth, and ruining my jeans gave me the weirdest sense of freedom. I felt like a kid again. It felt so good!

I'm taking small steps, more and more I'm returning to becoming myself again. I'm learning who I was, who I am, and what my future holds.

Liefs,

Nathalie

Honestly, I don't even know what to write about tonight. The fact is that I do know I want to write. There's this feeling of needing to get things off my chest, to regain my focus, and to look ahead.

My brain has been oddly fond of getting stuck in past memories for the last 2 weeks. I'm not sure why, and it's annoying me. Normally, I tend to have a good sense of control over my thoughts, or at least control over shifting my thoughts to things that matter. It's not that I'm not functioning properly or anything, I still keep to my routine and I'm still productive throughout the days.

Today was crazy, time went by so fast I didn't even think of food until noon (normally food is on my mind at all times). We managed to get a lot of things done, though this stupid feeling of things not being good enough, or not done quick enough creeps up on me again. Sometimes I feel a bit... incapable?

The trick to it, is to stop comparing myself to others. Comparing yourself can be very good sometimes, to get a sense of where you are, and if you're taking the right approach to situations around you. When you find that you're comparing yourself too much on the other hand, will shift the focus of your own goals.

To finish up, I've got some really fun things planned ahead for the blog. A little project I've been working on in my free time, and an idea for a new years post. They're both actually very personal things, and admittedly I'm kind of nervous about posting them. Regardless, I think it will be good. Good for myself in terms of self-growth, and good for others to gain a sense that they might not be the only ones (I'll open up about what I mean specifically when I get to the actual post).

Today, this blog reached 400 views. That's 400 views in 2 months. I'm not sure who you are, but I'm very grateful to the people taking the time to read these random ramblings of mine.

Well, for someone who didn't know what to write, it became quite a thing.

Thank you once again!

Liefs,

Nathalie

Do you know those days where it feels like everything just falls out of your hands? One of those days where, things you normally have under complete control, fuck up at just the thought of your fingertips touching it? I had one of those days today. Disastrous.

And hey, you know what? I'm going to be thankful for this disastrous, stupid day! It brought me closer to friends, and it made me open up to them. There's still a lot of work left down that road, but we got closer to fixing things.

I managed to get work done today. I managed to have a good cry in a corner. I managed to actually, actively, listen to some great advice. I managed today. I managed!

Don't get stuck in a slump when you've gone through a disastrous day. Tackle that bitch and move on. Disastrous days are there to show us what better days are like.

Ending today's blog with some photo's from yesterday. It was a beautiful sunny October day, my friends completed the 10K, and we had some great coffee at one of my favourite places in Breda.

Liefs, Nathalie

It's Friday, I had a horrible migraine last night and I'm chilling out on my sofa right now. I'm supposed to be in Uni right now, working on our project. But I'm at home. And I consciously made that decision to be home today.

So why am I thankful? For the last two days, I volunteered at a games & media conference here in the Netherlands. The experience was amazing, I met new people, reconnected with old friends and saw some extremely interesting talks and presentations. Yes, I am super tired right now. Yes, I feel guilty for not being with my teammates in Uni right now. But I learned so much these last two days, and it honestly was an experience I will not forget.

Right now, I'm really looking forward to Sunday. Some of my classmates and some of my best friends are going to run the 10K here in town, and I'm planning to make bananabread as a surprise for their hard earned victory! (Hope I didn't ruin the surprise, there.)

So, today is me-day. Me-day without feeling guilty for it (this is hard).

Below are some photos I made over the last days. Again, it was amazing, it was hard work, it was fun. It was incredible. More of these days, please. :)

Liefs,

Nathalie