The year is almost coming to an end. Two months to go and we'll take part in this new year called 2016. Blogging has become a routine thing since about 3 months ago now. When I started, I honestly did not expect this was something I'd push through and continue doing. It's been so good to me, though.

Up until now, I didn't really make a thing out of it; I've only told my best friends and some of my relatives. They're my regular visitors, they tell me their opinion, and I love that. I love being able to share whatever things I go through or whatever things I think about, but I also love the fact that this is a place where I can let go of things.

Since blogging has become one of my weekly routines, and something I've gotten so much pleasure and support out of, I'm deciding to go bigger: sharing it openly. To many of you, this doesn't mean anything, but it's a giant step for me, and a giant step in the right direction.

As 2015 is coming close to an end, I'm taking this opportunity to list the things I've been, and still am, thankful for in the last year.

A - Anthea

We've known each other for close to eight years now, and the funny thing is, we didn't really become close friends up until three years ago.

We talk about things, that really, only we can talk about. We know each other by heart and we stick to our values. You're an amazing person, you've got your heart in the right place, you're a hard worker, and an inspiration to me.

Thank you for being the shoulder I can lean on, thank you for accepting the weirdo that I am, thank you for being harsh with me when I need it, and thank you for being my best friend.

*The only reason you're at the top of this list is because your name starts with an A, bitch.

B - Breda

Moving to Breda was quite an exciting thing. It's the furthest I've moved away from my hometown, my family and my friends (I know it's not even that far away, shush). It's a good feeling though, because I honestly feel independent now. There's time when I feel absolutely alone, where I've got moments giving myself a talk in the mirror. There's also moments where I absolutely love being alone and "treat myself" to a night out by myself.

I don't have my family living 5 minutes away from me anymore to fix things for me. Over the few months here, I've already fixed a plenty of things all by myself, and as stupid as it may sound, I felt so good about it!

What I needed to adjust to mostly, was moving in with two flatmates.These were two girls that I had never met before, and I kind of just went with it. I went from sharing 75m2 with my SO, to sharing 22m2 with my two cats. Never in a million years had I imagined I would be doing this. Especially not at 25 years old. It's a unique and fun experience, one I never thought I'd have. Another experience that I'm thankful for.

I've grown very fond of Breda. In a lot of ways, it's like Dordrecht. There's similar architecture and the city centre streets feel familiar, there's also the tourists. ;) It reminds me of the time I worked in the city centre in Dordrecht, working late, walking to the station, or strolling about on the streets after a night out.


C - Cats

My girl buddies, Féja and Rosa. At times, I feel guilty for not giving them the room and wilderness they need. Despite that, I'm so happy to have them with me. Every morning, my face is covered with cats, my ears filled with their purring, and my heart filled with warmth.

They seem to enjoy it here, they've got more to look at out of the windows, they still recognise people that come over who used to come over in the appartment. Also, they're my number 1 cuddles on nights that I feel lonely (turning into a crazy cat lady, much?).


D - Depression

In January 2015 I was diagnosed with depression. This had dragged on since shortly after 2014's amazing summer, where afterwards I realized something was wrong. Smiling became a chore, caring became an impossible task, helping others made me feel lifeless. To love someone was the most impossible thing I could ever imagine. All these things I always enjoyed wholeheartedly, had turned me into an empty shell.

My world crumbled. I felt lost, worthless, stupid. like a failure, like giving up. But I didn't. I don't know if it was courage, or just failing to care about anything at all anymore, but I took a complete open approach to dealing with depression.

Surprising myself and those around me - I took a completely open approach and said I would fight this. I told my family, I told my friends, I told the people I worked with. I told them honestly that something was wrong with me. I told them that I wasn't a victim - that I was going to fight. And honestly, the first few times I said this, I was blatantly lying. I was lying to all of you, and I was lying to myself. I didn't feel like fighting, I felt like giving up. Life felt like it wasn't worth continuing.

I spent days on end in bed, crying until I couldn't cry anymore. Then the crying turned into staring. The staring turned into overthinking, and the overthinking turned into hating. I hated everything, but mostly, I hated myself. I hated myself for ending up like this, I hated myself for doing this, I hated myself for asking for help or attention. I was doing this. Why would anyone else have to help me?

Truly, I've never experienced a worse kind of pain. When you hate yourself, nothing else in the world means a thing anymore. There's a blur of walls around you. Every small thing that is said to you, turns into a downward spiral of twisting. Twisting the words into a knife, and poking yourself with it, to try and see if you still have any capability of feeling something.

The funny thing is, I repeated that lie to myself everyday: I'm going to fight. I'm not a victim. I can change this. And after a battle of 8 months, that lie finally started to feel like a truth. Admittedly, I'm not completely over it yet - I still get relapses from time to time. The difference is is that I've learned how to live with it.



E - Endings

2015 had a lot of endings. Endings to a variety of things. Relationships, phases in life, things I found comfort in, friendships, personal struggles. If 2015 taught me anything, it's that every ending is followed with a new beginning.

Sometimes, things end just because they have to. Endings are not always a bad thing. It means you've learned something, or you've taught something - and now it's time to move on. It's as simple as that.

I know this seems like a super-happy-go-lucky approach, but just a reminder: endings do still hurt. Hurt is something that will always be closely connected with endings, because they're both the ingredients to something valuable: experience.



F - Family & Friends

Since I moved to Breda, it feels like I've opened up more. My perspective has changed on what friendship means. On how much it means. I've learned so much from all of you, in such a short time, and I wouldn't be who I am now if I didn't have you.

2015 has taught me how it's good to have different friends for different things. I've learned that not every friend is meant to fulfill the same role. Some friendships should be simple and on a surface level, and it's fine to keep them there. Sometimes, friendships become deeper and more meaningful, you become connected in a way you never imagined.

There's nothing wrong with that. There's no "ranking" in friendships.

I'm so incredibly thankful for you people allowing me into your life, into your families.

You are all an amazing bunch of people. <3






G - Global Game Jam

In 2015, I participated in my second ever Global Game Jam. It was again an amazingly fun experience, and a way more productive one than the year before. We managed to "finish"our game in 48 hours, and I'm quite proud of the work we did.

It's a valuable experience, where you learn just how much you can do with the very basic resources that you need, to produce something you can be proud of.

I met new people and stayed in touch with a bunch of them. I love the whole atmosphere during game jams, everyone's there for the same reason and everyone is tripping balls on the lack of sleep. I love the Global Game Jam, and it's something I want to keep doing every year!

H - Honesty

A strange fact is that I've always struggled with honesty. Reason being, that I've always been afraid to hurt or disappoint someone. I'd used to rather sacrifice myself or my values, so I could just "please" the other person.

Thankfully, I've learned to overcome this. I'm becoming increasingly honest, even if that means hurting the other person. Placing yourself in the position of the other person helps a lot with these decisions - wouldn't you rather have someone was honest with you right from the start, instead of finding out something was never real afterwards?

There's still a bit of a struggle sometimes, but kicking myself seems to help. :)

I - IGAD

It's the third year of IGAD, and there have been a lot of changes. The entire course has a new structure, most of the teachers that we "grew up with" left and have been replaced. Sometimes, it feels like I'm in an entirely different place. The first two years felt like home.

These days, often when I walk through the hallways I feel lost, or as if I'm looking for something. It's an odd feeling, and it might just be that I need to adjust to all the changes.

I'm excited though, because this year brings me closer to my next adventure: going to a different country!

J - Jaime

My little nephew, Jaime. You were born on May 14th, 2012. I remember seeing you for the first time, and all I felt was love. A love I had never felt before. I think, Jaime, you're bringing me the closest to what I'll feel as a "mother's love". It's funny, you confirmed that I'm capable of enjoying being around kids, but you also confirmed that I do not want to be or become a mother. Despite my own shortcomings, I'm proud of you, and I always will be.

You're a reminder to me how quickly time passes by. How change is something natural and crucial to our lives. You're a reminder of how pure life is, and how simple things are and always should be. I hope your life will always be good, but I know that's something that cannot and will not happen. Life is full of surprises and experiences. You'll be happy, you'll be excited, you'll be in love. But you also will be hurt, you will feel sad. Know that there's always your family and your friends, who will be there for you.

I will always be there for you.

K - KoffieTenTje

What does KoffieTenTje mean to me? Comfort, simplicity, kindness, warmth, and a feeling of familiarity. Marjon, the owner, has grown from being "just the owner" to someone who means something to me. She's so incredibly nice, she always has a smile upon her face, and she's genuine. Marjon is an inspiration to me, and I'm thankful to her for that.



L - Longing

My entire life, I've struggled with feeling lost and longing for something. I still have not found the "why" or the "where", but I have accepted that this is simply a part of me. There's a good chance this is a feeling that won't ever go away, and that's alright.



M - Michael

Things have always been a bit confusing, because I see you as a father, as a brother, but also as my best buddy. You're always there for me, no matter how badly I've fucked up this time around. Sometimes we get into this major clash, I think because our personalities are just so incredibly different. We both care, and we both love, but in entirely different ways.

I admire you, I have a huge amount of respect for you. We went through a whole lot of things, at a very young age. Things no one should really have to put up with, but we did. Not only did you have to pull yourself through all of it, you also had me to take care of.  You're incredibly strong, never forget that.

Ik houd van je, kakhoofd.



N - Nathalie

Yes, I'm including myself in my own ABC's!

Nathalie, you're allowed to be proud of yourself. You've conquered a lot this year, and it wasn't always easy. You can be EXTREMELY impulsive and stubborn, and even if that makes you unreliable at times, it also makes you incredibly easy going.

You're independent, you know what you want, you know who you want to spend your time with, and you know what you want to spend your time on. That means not everyone will enjoy being around you, but hey, that's not your problem.

You've gone from one extreme to the other this year, and it only proves how strong you have been and how strong you'll continue to be.

One thing you need to learn though: sometimes it's okay to take a step back. Take no shame in saying enough is enough. You are enough.

Be good, and stay good. :)

P - Papa

You're kind, you're sweet, you're simple, you're straightforward. Sometimes, you're pretty effing stupid and annoying. It's all a part of it, it makes me value you more. You can be the typical dad when you have to be, but you just really enjoy being yourself.

I love your simple approach to life, even if it means there are things we will never agree on. At times when I feel like the entire world is crashing down on me, all it takes is a five minute phone call with you to calm me down. I am so incredibly thankful for this.

Your approach to life something I admire and a lesson I've taken with me. Never forget who you are, and never give up who you are.

R - Rest

With all the changes I'm applying and challenges I'm overcoming, rest is a big part of it. I'm still learning when to "take it easy". I'm an introvert at heart, but my everyday life right now consists of meeting a lot of people, both during work and free time.

I don't mind meeting new people, in fact, I love it. I've become so much more open to allowing life to surprise me with the lovely little things it's capable of, but hey, I still really need my me time!

S - Scotland

Even though I've only been to Scotland twice in my life, whenever I'm there, I feel at ease. I feel like I belong. I've never felt this way with any other country I've visited. It's only been a few months since the last time I visited, and I mean it when I say that I feel homesick.

Eventually, I hope I get to spend my daily life there. For the near future, it doesn't seem likely, but it's a good goal to work towards.

Right now, I'm looking forward to May 2016 - because then I will see you again, Scotland! :)



T - Travel

I've already made a plenty of travel plans for 2016. It all depends on how much of these plans follow through with lifes continuing surprises.

So far, my plans include walking the West Highland Way by myself, in 7 days. Another plan is moving out of the Netherlands for at least 6 months for my internship.

Regarding internships, I'm keeping my options open, but I wouldn't mind if it turns out to be the UK or Scotland. ;)



W - Writing

2015 has become the year of writing! Not only did I start this blog, I've also picked up my personal journal again. I've been writing in my journal since 2009, but back then it was this occasional thing I did on the days I realised I still had a journal lying around somewhere.

Right now, I've created my own rule to write at least one day a week. Mostly, it's because I tend to forget to give myself some me-time. It's a good way to relax, to disconnect, and to look back and analyse your own actions.

Also, it's incredibly funny to go back to journals of 2009 and cringe at yourself.

Y - Young Galaxy

Young Galaxy is a band which I only discovered this summer, but is going to stay with me forever.

The last few days that I spent in my apartment, sleeping on the couch, sorting my life away in cardboard boxes marked with a cheap marker, moving away from a place I both loved and hated, and falling in love hard and fast only to realize it was not what I needed.

They had the exact right words at the exact right time. The summer of 2015 will always be remembered by them.

It's a new summer.

"It never would have been as good if built to last,
We never would have stood a chance if it didn't move fast."

Z - Zonsopgang

Ok, I cheated there because I didn't know a good word in English, so I'm going with zonsopgang. Zonsopgang is the Dutch word for sunrise.

How better to end my ABC's than to the start of a new day?


And so we've come to the end of this list. To those of you who took the time to read all of it, thank you.

End the last two months of 2015 with some major asskicking. Conquer your fears, work hard, love hard, and never give up.

Liefs,

Nathalie