Ninyn

If it has taught me anything, it is the fact that we can never have it all.
There will always be something that isn't quite there, isn't quite as good as it could be.

But what I'll always have, is my honesty. What I'll always have, is my fear and the will to conquer it.
As I get older, I learn that I become more accepting of myself. The fear is still there, but I've learned to work with it.
It's not going anywhere unless I talk with it.

My problems won't change unless we talk about them. Problems can stop becoming problems if you deal with them. They just become part of a general feeling. Everyone has feelings, everyone has problems. Problems won't go away unless you acknowledge that there is a problem.

Fear is just another feeling. And it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to be scared. Everyone is.
Everyone is just doing the best they can.

x.

It's been a while since I've just sat down and poured out my thoughts and worries without really thinking about what I'd want to write, or what I'd want to achieve with my writing.

The last few months, every time I so much even thought of writing a blog, a whole array of thoughts would appear in my head making it hard to prioritise which topic to start with.
I say, to hell with prioritisation! Let's just write and see what appears.

Well, to begin with. I think I thought I was close to a relapse. That scary, gloomy, dark pit felt very close to the edge I was standing on. Thankfully, being back in the Netherlands for a week made it go away again. Not because I missed the Netherlands so much, but it showed me why I want to move to Sweden in the first place. I miss(ed) the people I care about, the country itself not so much.

I think it has become clear why I was always so inclined to move to the UK. There is this combination of nature, space, calmness, while there is also the perfect balance of cities, nightlife, society. Sweden has exactly those things I need or want in my life. Back home, it's all just so cramped up. There is no space to breath, there is no calmness where you can disappear and be alone, where you can sit down and all you hear is your own breath and your own heartbeat. I love that back home there is always something; something to see, something to do, something to laugh about. But that's just the thing isn't it? It's always.

It's an odd combination of feelings and thoughts to realise that right now I have the luxury and the privilege to say, 'I choose this.'. It's a privilege I've never had before, never even thought I would have, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Knowing that so many don't have that privilege, even people that I know closely. Not only that, but that gnawing voice somewhere in my head that's always asking me if I really want this, or if I really deserve this, or worst case scenario, who do I think I am to be able to do these things?

The other day I finished 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. A book full of warmth and familiarity. Here's part of a paragraph that meant a lot to me:

'Having people who love you and who you love is such a help. This doesn't even have to be romantic or familial love. Forcing yourself to see the world through love's gaze can be healthy. Love is an attitude to life. It can save us.'

Liefs, x.