Ninyn

I've spent the last five days in bed recovering from a cold, a very heavy one. I'm still not very good at 'taking it easy' and I wonder if that's something I will ever learn. However, spending these five days at home have made me more aware of the fact that I feel like 'taking it easy' is not always the answer.


There is something I want to explain but I struggle to find the words. Five years ago, only five years ago, my life and my world was a 10 kilometer radius around Dordrecht. That was my world. Going to University and spending time with people from different places in the world, from different cultures, with different beliefs and different ideals made me realise how narrow minded I had spent most of my life. It confronted me with the fact that I simply did not know much, about the world, about myself, about differences, about making it work despite the differences we all have. I recall a friend telling me, around ten years ago, after I had told him that sometimes...

'I just feel a little stupid.'.
'You're not stupid, you just don't know that much.'

And I think that's a fair truth and a fair thing to say (when the situation calls for it.). 

We can all learn. From each other, from our similarities and from our differences. All it takes is to spend time with each other and listen to each other. I feel like we're all so busy, so very busy. Serving, working, scrolling, posting, playing, creating. But do we spend enough time 'looking'? Observing, analysing, understanding, listening. Not just looking at the numbers and creating an average to base our whatever statistics on. But truly looking at what all of us are doing. How we feel. Why we feel that way. What we do and why we do things that way.

Dare to ask yourself questions. Dare to ask others questions. You might not always get an answer, but show that you're interested and want things to be better.

Just allow yourself to feel stupid for a while, and learn. Keep trying and accept that you'll have a part of you that's always going to be afraid. Try to look at the prejudices that you've been carrying with you throughout your life and identify if those are things that are actually helping you at all (I dare say they aren't. They might even hold you back.) There's a likely chance that there are things you'll find out about yourself, and suddenly, it will make a lot of sense why you've been doing things your way for so long without realising there was so much you had no clue about.

Rant over I suppose.

Liefs, x.

Hello life,

We've returned at that point again. The point where we hit the bump. The point where we feel that we're stagnating. The point where I feel that I'm not doing anything right.

It's just a bump though. We'll keep climbing up, leaping, running, clawing at what seems to be at an impossible height; but we've been here before. It's nothing new, although that doesn't mean it's not worth mentioning.

Bumps are necessary! Just like in traffic, bumps are there to slow you down or to make you aware of your surroundings. They might seem pointless, as if they're taking away all the fun from that speedy ride you're taking. Maybe this part of your life wasn't meant to be sped up, but it was meant to be taken with caution and consideration.

It's the first blog of September this year. By now it has been about a month since I started working at Coffee Stain. Or well, working as an actual employee and not as an intern. It's been great, honestly. I feel like taking the summer break has really refreshed me and made me feel more confident in my craft.

Already when I look at work that I did 6 months ago there's a good chance I go 'oh god. ugh. WHY? CAN I PLEASE REMAKE THIS RIGHT NOW?'. Looking back at yourself, at your work, or at anything you did in your past and feeling a little uncomfortable or disgusted with yourself, is, in my opinion, a good sign. It means you've grown! It means you do things differently now. It hopefully/probably also means that by now you're more capable and ready of doing the things you're doing now than you would've been during that other time period. (Does that sentence even make any sense? Sorry. I tried.)

It's taking some time to transition into this new stage of life. I get overwhelmed every now and then, not by work anymore but by the seeming lack of energy I have after work lately.  I'm trying to find good routines to do and to keep doing. These include yoga, drawing, writing, and, *drumroll*, I'm going to try poledancing in October! As always, I need to be careful not to plan too many activities which then in turn make me feel bad for not being able to keep up with all of them. I've already been feeling bad about not keeping in touch with people I love as much as I would like to. To be blunt about it, it just really sucks when you feel like you've barely got the energy to take care of yourself.

Now comes a little annoying part of the move so far. I call it: The Saga of the Loopholes of Migration Agencies and the (Financial) Stress It's Causing Me.

When you move to Sweden, there's a thing called a 'personnummer' (comparable to sofinummer/burgerservicenummer in the Netherlands.) This personnummer allows you to do many many things here in Sweden. Like open a bank account, get a subscription at the gym, get an apartment, etc (I've been going on and off with this for around 4 months of visiting the migration agency. I hoped to have gotten it before the summer so I could plan ahead with gettng a bank account and such..) In August I finally received a personnumer, unfortunately there are a couple of loopholes that require me to go to Stockholm and Jönköping, which changes my financial state by quite a bit since I've been attempting to make do with what I have at the moment. Things are changing soon, it's just a matter of patience now.

Onwards to good news: I live in an apartment with my two cats and Birk! It's a lovely place. We've already done a lot of things to make it feel more like home. I'm trying very hard to keep the interior a combination of minimalistic with a touch of organised chaos. How does that work? Well, when you build a photo wall, make sure to only fill it with photos that mean a lot to you. When you buy furniture, make sure it works in multiple ways, make sure that it's 'smart'. I bought a drawing table which can be folded out to fit 4-6 people. Great for dinner parties or board game evenings. Also great for drawing during your lonesome introvert nights or for Skyping with family and friends in different countries.

Things to look forward to: In two weeks we're going on a company trip for three days to an unknown destination. In October I'm going to have my first poledancing class. If I get my bank account on time I'll be going to see The National in Stockholm in November. I'm visiting the Netherlands in December. New years is still a mystery, but I'm sure it will be great regardless of what happens.

Liefs, x.

I've moved to Sweden!

Monday is my first official workday. There won't be many differences from when I was an intern, except for being paid for my work. That'll take some transitioning, mostly in my head-space. Getting paid for my work and skills? No longer just studying something that interests me, but actually working? I'm a professional now? What? (Start believing in your own skills at some point, please.)

Just now I've finished unpacking all my belongings, deciding what will go where, not focusing on the logistics just yet. Decorating is the most important part of moving into a new place, in my opinion. Setting up and living in your defined spaces, which activity will happen where? How do I want this corner of the room to feel? Are there areas I want to clutter and allow to be cluttered? Are there areas that need to be minimal, clean, simple; areas that clear my mind too. So many decisions to make!

My cats have moved with me too. All three of us are expats now! Initially, I felt like a horrible pet owner for putting them in a car for a total of fifteen hours (split into a trip of six and nine hours). The first fourty-five minutes of the trip they were NOT happy. Stressed, meowing, hissing. I felt devastated for making them go through this.
What surprised all of us though, is how completely relaxed they were after the initial shock (exhaustion probably had something to do with it.) They slept during most of the trip, they ate, they drank, and they made use of their litter-box during the drive!
They've gotten accustomed to the new flat ridiculously fast, purring, playing, cuddling, all the things a happy cat does.

Packing and unpacking has been an emotional experience. Deciding what to get rid of, deciding what to put in a box for days when I want to sit and go through the memories, looking at old photos, looking at recent photos, realising what a (mental and physical) roller-coaster the last four years have been, missing old friends, missing new friends, missing lovers.

The last two weeks especially I have felt like I'm living in a dream. I'm not feeling anything as if I'm 'feeling' it, if that makes any sense. It's good to be back here, and it feels like I've been away much longer than only a month.

I'm so incredibly happy to be back though. A new chapter starts.

'Anything worthwhile will always take a lot longer than you think.'
- Tom Cox

Liefs, x.

I've spent today looking at photos from the last three years. I'm ill, I suck at being ill. I always feel the need to be productive (which is a problem sometimes). I tried to read a book but after two pages I realised that there's just too many words in my mind in order to focus on the words I'm reading.

So much yet so little can change in time.

A lot of this started with me competing with my past. Competing with things that I had no control over. However, four years later, I can finally say that I'm at peace. At peace with things I've gone through, at peace with whatever the future will bring me. Because I know what moves me, what matters to me. I know what the things are that lift me up and bring me back down, to lift me up even higher the next time. Of course, there's always new things on the horizon to be discovered, challenged, questioned and dealt with. Even when it means not dealing with it is actually dealing with it.

I've graduated, I've gotten my first job in the games industry, I'm going to move abroad to Sweden after having done an internship for a year there, I'm going to move in together with my partner. Not only is each one of these steps a big step, it's a combination of big steps combined into one humongous step. I'm terrified! (The happy-excited kind of terrified, but still.)

I'm afraid of what could happen but I'm much more afraid of never even trying.

Anyhow, that was todays' portion of babbling.

Liefs, x.

I've become so self-conscious lately that self-doubt has almost become a daily procedure. I've gotten afraid of where my choices will lead me. I'm no longer as careless, or care-free, rather. I have trouble believing in myself and my capabilities.

When I look at my older blog-posts, I seemed to be at ease with a lot of things. Taking lifes' moments with a light-hearted attitude. I remember that I shared pretty much 90% of my blog-posts openly, because I never really cared about what others thought of it. Right now I find myself being afraid of so much as even typing the words, not knowing what will be thought of it. It's an odd change and it's one that I wasn't aware of until recently.

Most of it has to do with this part of my life chapter closing and a new one opening, except it feels as if there's a delay in the whole opening part. A delay that I feel I have no control over. A delay that makes me feel insecure and thrown off balance.

Of course, this is a part of growing into the new person you're going to be. This is how you learn. You fall and stumble and life tells you that you need to grow up. I've been in worse situations, I should know how this works. (Probably the stupidest thing I've ever said or typed. Still leaving it in so I can read it back later and laugh at myself.) However, it is how I feel often. And the strange thing is is that I'm fully aware that thoughts like these do not help me. Not one bit.

This is a bit of a wall of text, but what I want to get at here is that I should start feeling okay again to 'openly' be who I am. That I shouldn't be afraid of what kind of comments will appear under my blog or what will be said to me face-to-face.  That it should be okay to feel the way that I feel. Blogging brought me so many good things over the years; it made it easier for myself to open up to people. Something that was and still is hard for me.

I intensely miss meaningful conversations. 

I intensely miss nonsense conversations. 

I miss laughing about nothing at all with my best friend. 

Now that I've gotten this out, let's count to three and post. Here's to becoming care-free again.

3.

2.

1.

If it has taught me anything, it is the fact that we can never have it all.
There will always be something that isn't quite there, isn't quite as good as it could be.

But what I'll always have, is my honesty. What I'll always have, is my fear and the will to conquer it.
As I get older, I learn that I become more accepting of myself. The fear is still there, but I've learned to work with it.
It's not going anywhere unless I talk with it.

My problems won't change unless we talk about them. Problems can stop becoming problems if you deal with them. They just become part of a general feeling. Everyone has feelings, everyone has problems. Problems won't go away unless you acknowledge that there is a problem.

Fear is just another feeling. And it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to be scared. Everyone is.
Everyone is just doing the best they can.

x.

It's been a while since I've just sat down and poured out my thoughts and worries without really thinking about what I'd want to write, or what I'd want to achieve with my writing.

The last few months, every time I so much even thought of writing a blog, a whole array of thoughts would appear in my head making it hard to prioritise which topic to start with.
I say, to hell with prioritisation! Let's just write and see what appears.

Well, to begin with. I think I thought I was close to a relapse. That scary, gloomy, dark pit felt very close to the edge I was standing on. Thankfully, being back in the Netherlands for a week made it go away again. Not because I missed the Netherlands so much, but it showed me why I want to move to Sweden in the first place. I miss(ed) the people I care about, the country itself not so much.

I think it has become clear why I was always so inclined to move to the UK. There is this combination of nature, space, calmness, while there is also the perfect balance of cities, nightlife, society. Sweden has exactly those things I need or want in my life. Back home, it's all just so cramped up. There is no space to breath, there is no calmness where you can disappear and be alone, where you can sit down and all you hear is your own breath and your own heartbeat. I love that back home there is always something; something to see, something to do, something to laugh about. But that's just the thing isn't it? It's always.

It's an odd combination of feelings and thoughts to realise that right now I have the luxury and the privilege to say, 'I choose this.'. It's a privilege I've never had before, never even thought I would have, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Knowing that so many don't have that privilege, even people that I know closely. Not only that, but that gnawing voice somewhere in my head that's always asking me if I really want this, or if I really deserve this, or worst case scenario, who do I think I am to be able to do these things?

The other day I finished 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. A book full of warmth and familiarity. Here's part of a paragraph that meant a lot to me:

'Having people who love you and who you love is such a help. This doesn't even have to be romantic or familial love. Forcing yourself to see the world through love's gaze can be healthy. Love is an attitude to life. It can save us.'

Liefs, x.

Is it worth it to rarely be able to see or talk to my friends?

There are things like Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, but everyone knows that this has nothing on the true reality of sitting down and having a heartfelt conversation. To just let the words flow and let time pass by. To sit somewhere together and enjoy the moment you're sharing.

A 2D picture of someones face with a 1 second delay in your conversations doesn't make up for it. Not in the long run. It works for a little while, but you start missing the little things. Hearing someone giggle under their breath. Or the way someone can give you a half-look which says more than any words in the world could.

Is it worth it to no longer be able to have weekly dinners with my father? To laugh about lifes' small silly things, to try new recipes and cook together. To share our love for music, putting on a vinyl record while we share our thoughts over music.

Is it worth it to only hear my grandma's voice over the phone? My grandma who has been there so often for me. Now I'm not there for her because I decided to go and chase off after some sort of selfish goal?

Is it worth it to have a boyfriend who I can only see once every two months?

People mock long-distance relationships or think negatively of it. To be fair, I don't think they're wrong. It's always good to stay hopeful, to at least try. We've been doing long distance now for 8 months. We've been long distance longer than we've actually been together. The first 2 months were hard, but I grew into it in a way. Now after 8 months, I feel a weird fear. I'm getting better with being alone, I've learned to not miss as hard anymore. But it scares me.

I'm starting to get annoyed with having to 'plan time' to be together. I just want to be. I want to be with him. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be able to do these things without having to schedule months ahead and checking if I can get time off or if all our our schedules fit together. I just want to be.

Is my goal to be a game designer so much more important than being able to spend time with the people I love?

Then again, what else would I do? Go back home?

I haven't written a real reflective blog since new year's. Life has been busy and chaotic. I've been trying to find my routine again and I've been worrying about a number of things.

What it comes down to, really, is that I'm scared. 

In two an a half months my internship is coming to an end and I will be moving to Skövde officially as an employee of Coffee Stain Studios. I've been living here for 8 months now, but I moved here knowing that it'd be for a year, not having any expectations of it lasting longer.

It's not that I don't want to move here, it's just the thought of not knowing how long I'll be here. I love everything about working for this company, the people are so incredibly good-spirited and kindhearted. Still, when you sign up for University, or in this case for an internship, it's always with the knowledge of it being for an X amount of time.

What am I scared of exactly? The natural things, really. Will I see my friends and family enough? Will they know I deeply care about them despite being in another country? Am I making the right decision or will I be missing out on things I could've had if I decided something else? Am I good enough for this job? Am I being too selfish? For how long will I be here? What is my next goal? Am I able to make friends here without neglecting the friends I have back home? Will my relationship with Birk survive? (thankfully the least of my worries!)

I feel incredibly lucky that I've been given this opportunity, if one could measure life's challenges I've certainly had 'harder' challenges thrown at me. I don't think I've ever been this afraid though!

The last few nights of sleep have been filled with odd and painful nightmares; losing people I care about, being hurt, or hurting others unintentionally. Right now it's a waiting game for my Swedish ID and an apartment. Anyone that knows me well enough knows waiting is one of my weaker points.

To get my focus in the right direction again I've picked up writing, meditation and yoga. It has been helping, a bit. Living with Hannah is also a blessing I thought I'd never experience. (Really, when we met in 2013, anyone that would've told us that we would end up living together in Sweden 4 years from now would've been deemed a madman!)

Anyhow: onwards with work, D&D, pancake mornings, pizza evenings, game nights and hopefully soon cat cuddles as well.

Liefs, x.

(Have another song!)

Monday, February 13:

Sunday, February 12:

Building a fire - how did you do that again?

And for no good reason at all, have a nice song!

Liefs, x.

Sunday, February 12:

Saturday, February 11:

Friday, February 10:

1. Living in an old creaky house.
2. Going out for dinner with dad once per week.
3. Spending time with my family every week.
4. My record player and records.
5. Cuddling with my cats every morning and every evening.
6. Having a high ceiling.
7. The way the sunlight hits the stained glass windows.
8. Playing my guitar, getting frustrated over how I can never play a song right.
9. Sitting in the park with a good book on spring evenings that are *just* warm enough to be nice.
10. Water.
11. Movie nights and game nights and sleepovers.