Ninyn

(500) Days of Summer. My all-time favourite movie. It was thanks to my brother recommending it to me, that I ever looked at it at all.

I had just gone through my first break-up, and I felt shattered. Even though I was the one who did the breaking up, my world felt like it was crumbling down piece by piece. I had barely any self-awareness, I wasn't as stable as I am now, and I sure wasn't as comfortable with my own vulnerability.

The first time I saw you, I was a Tom. Admittedly, I secretly wanted to be a Summer - there were these little quirks she had that I could relate to - but her strength was something back then I couldn't even admire. I felt that she was inconsiderate, at times even selfish and vicious!

You were my break-up movie. You were the one to consolidate me that I would run into someone again, an Autumn, a Winter, or a Spring.

Yesterday evening, I watched you for the first time in my life not associating it to a break-up. (I've probably seen you about 10 times by now. I know, I love the cheese.) For the first time in my life, I identified with Summer.

I have yet to run into the one that doesn't leave me wondering of the things 'I was never sure of with you'.

I simply don't know how to do this. When I was 16, I believed in true love. I believed in the kind of love that would last a lifetime. That if you found your person, you would stick around, stay together, and fight for each other no matter the cost.

But now, 10 something years later - I've found that it's impossible for me right now. There were some seriously committed relationships, one that lasted five years and one that lasted three years. And although I felt very happy during those relationships, over time I just feel as if the constant struggle made it somewhat "destructive".

Yesterday, a friend explained to me that relationships can feel like you're swimming and everything's going with the flow, while the current could change at any second and suddenly - it'll feel like you're swimming against the current for years. The difference is that you'll find a person who makes it worth all these struggles and all these battles. Although I agree, I think I've realised that it's not for me yet, that I first need to figure out my own battles before I can commit to those of someone else. Or, in all honesty, maybe I just haven't found my person yet.

It brings me to my next question though, where I wonder if there really is just "your person". Isn't life about constantly changing, growing and adapting? What if that means you'll find "your person" in different persons every so often? I know that during the committed relationships I had, I thought that they were "my person"...

I do still believe in true love, I just don't think it's this once chance that lasts a lifetime. I think you can find true love in friends, in your family, in your work, in the experiences you live through. And sometimes, you'll meet a person that you'll want to stay close to - but it doesn't mean it will be forever. It's a fleeting moment, just like happiness - but you can make it last by letting the memories stay close to you.

"We can all sing simultaneously, but it doesn't work that way when we talk." She said this humorously, without any intent of sounding as clever as she did.

I didn't reply. I smirked. Even though we do not see each other often, each time we do it's filled with genuine surprise. One could only hope to become like her at that age.

Often when I try to explain what I do for a living, I have a hard time to convey how much psychology comes with it, how much empathy, how much understanding of your surroundings is required. I think I've learned now, thanks to her.

"So, even though you might not enjoy this yourself, you have to design it in such a way that others will enjoy it?" And there we have it. Explained in one sentence.

Thank you, for being exactly you. For all the wise lessons you've taught me.

You're wonderful.

For the last 2 to 3 weeks I've pretty much been living on autopilot. I've neglected the daily rules I made for myself, I've neglected being mindful of the things I'm supposed to be doing, and I went back into the kind of life I used to live a year ago.