It's time for confessions! Starting with my own: for the past 10 years, I've not been single.

I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 15, and there has not been a break longer than a month that I was not involved with someone (be it official or unofficial) until this day! I broke the spell: I've been single, and also completely out of the loop, for 3 months now.

My relationships have varied, lasting from 2 weeks, up to close to 5 years. The thing is that there was always someone. Someone to fall back on, someone to hide behind, someone to do the talking for me. I'm not saying that I wasn't with these people out of love - I most certainly was. Today marks the first time in my life where I feel comfortable being single, being my own individual, and deciding what's best for me. (Yes, it is terrifying.)

Another little confession I have to make: I'm not really sure why I always pursued a serious and committed relationship for so long. I've felt that society tends to put two things out there as the main ingredients for a "successful" relationship: marriage and kids. Two things that I do not want. Yes, I know that there is more to a relationship than those two things. A mistake I frequently made was basing my relationship on the needing, not on the wanting to be with that person. Looking back on the relationships I've been in - there was always a pattern that started appearing after passing a certain mark of time. Talks that involved "our" future, talking about committing, about moving in together, about marriage. That was also usually the point where I started questioning the relationship, or realising that it was not what I wanted. Combine that with my habit of putting the needs of others over my own ones... you get where this is going.

Honestly, I don't even know what I want out of a relationship. A friend, a travel buddy? I don't see myself living together with someone, nor do I see myself staying together with someone for the rest of my life. All I know for now is that I want to remain in control over what I want to do with my life, and I've found that in the past, relationships tend to get in the way of that. For me at least.

I know plenty of couples that make it work, that make compromises and don't mind doing so, or are simply happy with just being with each other. And I think that's beautiful. Just not for me.

Basically, what I went to get out of this is: don't feel pressured by external factors. Find the reasons for yourself why you truly want or do not want something. Find a good balance, one that makes you feel good about yourself, and it will all work out.

Liefs,

Nathalie