Ninyn

It's been a while since I've just sat down and poured out my thoughts and worries without really thinking about what I'd want to write, or what I'd want to achieve with my writing.

The last few months, every time I so much even thought of writing a blog, a whole array of thoughts would appear in my head making it hard to prioritise which topic to start with.
I say, to hell with prioritisation! Let's just write and see what appears.

Well, to begin with. I think I thought I was close to a relapse. That scary, gloomy, dark pit felt very close to the edge I was standing on. Thankfully, being back in the Netherlands for a week made it go away again. Not because I missed the Netherlands so much, but it showed me why I want to move to Sweden in the first place. I miss(ed) the people I care about, the country itself not so much.

I think it has become clear why I was always so inclined to move to the UK. There is this combination of nature, space, calmness, while there is also the perfect balance of cities, nightlife, society. Sweden has exactly those things I need or want in my life. Back home, it's all just so cramped up. There is no space to breath, there is no calmness where you can disappear and be alone, where you can sit down and all you hear is your own breath and your own heartbeat. I love that back home there is always something; something to see, something to do, something to laugh about. But that's just the thing isn't it? It's always.

It's an odd combination of feelings and thoughts to realise that right now I have the luxury and the privilege to say, 'I choose this.'. It's a privilege I've never had before, never even thought I would have, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Knowing that so many don't have that privilege, even people that I know closely. Not only that, but that gnawing voice somewhere in my head that's always asking me if I really want this, or if I really deserve this, or worst case scenario, who do I think I am to be able to do these things?

The other day I finished 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. A book full of warmth and familiarity. Here's part of a paragraph that meant a lot to me:

'Having people who love you and who you love is such a help. This doesn't even have to be romantic or familial love. Forcing yourself to see the world through love's gaze can be healthy. Love is an attitude to life. It can save us.'

Liefs, x.

Is it worth it to rarely be able to see or talk to my friends?

There are things like Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, but everyone knows that this has nothing on the true reality of sitting down and having a heartfelt conversation. To just let the words flow and let time pass by. To sit somewhere together and enjoy the moment you're sharing.

A 2D picture of someones face with a 1 second delay in your conversations doesn't make up for it. Not in the long run. It works for a little while, but you start missing the little things. Hearing someone giggle under their breath. Or the way someone can give you a half-look which says more than any words in the world could.

Is it worth it to no longer be able to have weekly dinners with my father? To laugh about lifes' small silly things, to try new recipes and cook together. To share our love for music, putting on a vinyl record while we share our thoughts over music.

Is it worth it to only hear my grandma's voice over the phone? My grandma who has been there so often for me. Now I'm not there for her because I decided to go and chase off after some sort of selfish goal?

Is it worth it to have a boyfriend who I can only see once every two months?

People mock long-distance relationships or think negatively of it. To be fair, I don't think they're wrong. It's always good to stay hopeful, to at least try. We've been doing long distance now for 8 months. We've been long distance longer than we've actually been together. The first 2 months were hard, but I grew into it in a way. Now after 8 months, I feel a weird fear. I'm getting better with being alone, I've learned to not miss as hard anymore. But it scares me.

I'm starting to get annoyed with having to 'plan time' to be together. I just want to be. I want to be with him. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be able to do these things without having to schedule months ahead and checking if I can get time off or if all our our schedules fit together. I just want to be.

Is my goal to be a game designer so much more important than being able to spend time with the people I love?

Then again, what else would I do? Go back home?

Giving a shit while not giving a shit

Some years ago, I was described as 'people-pleaser'. And there was definitely a truth to that statement. Being afraid to voice my opinion, because my opinion would cause conflict, and conflict would cause confrontation, and confrontation would cause arguements, and arguements would mean fighting. It was easier to just nod, and agree. At least, that was how my brain worked back then. (It didn't take long before I got into conflicting situations, since, well, you simply can't agree with everyone and everything without causing conflict someplace.)

I do things because I care. Because I want it to be good. I want it to make sense. I want it to be worth someones time, effort, or even so much as someones thought. I do things because I just want to do it, regardless of anyone's opinion on the matter.

It's an art to give a shit while not giving a shit. Being able to say, no, I do not agree with your opinion, but thanks for sharing; still caring enough to acknowledge someone else's opinion without invalidating it.

Doing the things you love without becoming reliable on comfort zones

Comfort. The eternal love-hate relationship of (my) life. On some days I wonder why I didn't pick something simple to spend at least 40 hours per week of a large portion of my life on, until I realise I'd probably lose my mind if I had to do the exact same job every single day. Is there anyone at all that feels genuinely certain about their career choice(s)?

Accepting anxiety

Hello anxiety, it's good to see you again. I genuinely mean it. I didn't have any anxiety attacks for a while, but since the move to Sweden I've had a few again. It made me talk with people, it made me open up to people. It meant I had to make myself vulnerable to get over it. I suppose this connects with my thoughts on comfort zones. I love being comfortable - for a while. There's this fine line, where if things get too comfortable I start feeling empty. Being here is a great refreshment. It's teaching me a lot about myself, about where that fine line begins and ends.

In other news,

Life is pretty fucking awesome! I finished reading the book 'More Fool Me' by Stephen Fry, and I'd like to end this blog entry with how he ended his book.

'If days be good, they shall pass, which is a lowering thought. If they be bad, they shall pass, which is cheering. I suppose it is enough to know this and cling on to it for some small comfort when confronted by the irredeemable and senseless folly of the world.'

Liefs, x.

This blog entry is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point. Hahaha, no it isn't.

I've been pleasantly surprised with myself over the last two weeks. Being here is teaching me a lot about myself, my personality, the way I'm programmed to behave or respond. But being here without really having someone or something to fall back on in a close vicinity is in a strange way very liberating. Why? When I have a problem, or something I need to talk about, it requires me to gather up courage and walk up to someone I don't really know that well. It's a gamble. Will this person want to help me or talk about it?

Of course, things like WhatsApp and Facebook make it easier for us to stay connected with our close ones and those that we feel comfortable talking to, but it's not how I want to spend living abroad. I'm here because I want to meet new people, learn about different cultures, learn about the industry, and because I want to challenge myself.

At work, I've realised that although I'm good at what I do - I'm not great at it. What drives me though, is to constantly learn. To constantly find out why something works the way it does, and how it can be improved. To talk with people and find out why they prefer in that way, and what their reasoning behind it is. I'm very grateful for the environment that I'm in - I'm learning so much every day (and there is still so much to learn!) and I feel like a part of the team.

In personal matters, I'm glad that I'm no longer afraid to open up once I feel that there's a connection. I've learned to listen better to what goes on inside, and to trust what goes on inside.

Now, to get to the point I was trying to make: I truly believe that if you have an open attitude, a constant curiousity and a willingness to learn, you can improve yourself in anything you do.

Liefs, x.

Last summer, I wrote down 5 goals (or promises even) that I wanted to achieve in the next 5 years. Some of them I have achieved already. some of them were moved to a later stage and some of them are in the process of being achieved. I've always been a goal-oriented person, as it helps me 'measure' progress. If it's something personal, if it's a project, or if it's simply getting through the day: I need goals. Stagnating is something that scares me, and something that I want to avoid; I'm always on the move towards something new.

Totally stealing this format from another blog, but here goes. My goals for the next year:

Short Term Goals: 1 - 2 months

• Sell the last couple of things in my room.
• Buy flight tickets and plan the route to Skövde.
• Learn Swedish, 30 minutes a day.
• Buy a PlayStation 4.
• Set up my monthly budget.
• Get to know the area in Skövde.

Medium Term Goals: 3 - 6 months

• Pick up my hobbies again.
• Meditation.
• Writing.
• Some form of exercise (Gym or yoga. Thanks to my stupid ankle I cannot run anymore).
• Get back into regular gaming again (Perhaps make a list of games owned and games I want to finish).
• Furniture my flat with the basics.
• Shift the focus of my blog towards documenting my daily work, habits and life in Sweden.
• Have my friends come over in Sweden.
• Go to Stockholm.
• Go to Gotenburg.
• Create a polaroid diary. (Take polaroids of whatever I'm doing that moment. Write the date and a little reflective story of how I felt about it.)

Long Term Goals: 1 year or longer
I honestly suck at creating such long term goals because I know they'll change anyway.

• Get better at UI and game design.
• Get a better feel for 2D art, how to use shapes and colours, speedpainting.
• Save enough money for a roadtrip through possibly multiple countries.
• Plan the graduation roadtrip with Anthea, Hannah & Cristina.
• Well, graduate.
• Go on the roadtrip.

I've been thinking of several different ways to change up the format of this blog. Having started this little thing last year in August, I can safely say that writing has helped me in feeling incredibly happy in the present. On a personal level, I am very confident and content with myself. Yet on a professional level, I'm not quite there yet.

What I'd like to do from this moment on is make the blog a bi-weekly thing, where I reflect on what has happened and how I'll approach it next time, kind of like a checklist. I'd like to think it'll be less personal and more professional, but it is something I will have to adjust to. Nine out of ten times I don't really consciously think when I'm writing, but I want to make it something that takes actual decision making. Perhaps I'll even add some vlogs!

I am kind of curious; this blog reaches quite some weekly viewers and yet I only hear from a handful. ;) Let me know who you are, and let's share our stories!

Liefs.
x

• I haven't found an internship yet.

I haven't written in a while! Trust me, this time it's a good sign.

Honestly, I'm kind of forcing myself to write right now. I feel good, I feel happy. There's the occasional anxiety and insecurity, but I've finally learned to step away and look at myself objectively during those moments. Ofcourse, I do still mess up from time to time (perfection doesn't exist anyway).

The good thing is, these days I mess up without messing it up, if that makes any sense. A few years back, I'd fall into *PANIC MODE!* and become absolutely determined that THIS is what I was feeling right now so THIS needed to be done RIGHT now - causing for utterly silly and completely avoidable situations. Messing up these days looks more like "Ah hey, you know what, I'm not sure. I'll come back to it later.". Still messy, but getting better!

Anyway,
it's March! It's amazing! Blue skies and sunny evenings have returned. This weather is what makes me be at my best.  Today marks the first day of sunbathing, and it was wonderful (although I was slightly ambitious with my clothing choice since I had to go back home to get another sweater). Yesterday I watched the sunset with a very special someone, something I didn't expect to happen at all.

I'm going to miss this place. It's been good to me.

Perhaps that's what's getting to me: the certainty of uncertainty. Being fully aware that in 6 months form now, I won't be here anymore.

Where there's a part of me that is still fully here, still maintaining my focus on whatever it is that matters right now. Yet there's also the part of me that's already leaning out. The wind that already brushed through my hair, the other part of me that is jealous of the steps that were already taken.

More often I find myself restless and scared. I want this so much. I want and need to leave this place. There is nothing left keeping me here.

Still, I have to keep reminding myself that where I am is still here. To not forget and neglect those around me.

Baby steps. All in good time.

Liefs,

X.

I simply don't know how to do this. When I was 16, I believed in true love. I believed in the kind of love that would last a lifetime. That if you found your person, you would stick around, stay together, and fight for each other no matter the cost.

But now, 10 something years later - I've found that it's impossible for me right now. There were some seriously committed relationships, one that lasted five years and one that lasted three years. And although I felt very happy during those relationships, over time I just feel as if the constant struggle made it somewhat "destructive".

Yesterday, a friend explained to me that relationships can feel like you're swimming and everything's going with the flow, while the current could change at any second and suddenly - it'll feel like you're swimming against the current for years. The difference is that you'll find a person who makes it worth all these struggles and all these battles. Although I agree, I think I've realised that it's not for me yet, that I first need to figure out my own battles before I can commit to those of someone else. Or, in all honesty, maybe I just haven't found my person yet.

It brings me to my next question though, where I wonder if there really is just "your person". Isn't life about constantly changing, growing and adapting? What if that means you'll find "your person" in different persons every so often? I know that during the committed relationships I had, I thought that they were "my person"...

I do still believe in true love, I just don't think it's this once chance that lasts a lifetime. I think you can find true love in friends, in your family, in your work, in the experiences you live through. And sometimes, you'll meet a person that you'll want to stay close to - but it doesn't mean it will be forever. It's a fleeting moment, just like happiness - but you can make it last by letting the memories stay close to you.

"We can all sing simultaneously, but it doesn't work that way when we talk." She said this humorously, without any intent of sounding as clever as she did.

I didn't reply. I smirked. Even though we do not see each other often, each time we do it's filled with genuine surprise. One could only hope to become like her at that age.

Often when I try to explain what I do for a living, I have a hard time to convey how much psychology comes with it, how much empathy, how much understanding of your surroundings is required. I think I've learned now, thanks to her.

"So, even though you might not enjoy this yourself, you have to design it in such a way that others will enjoy it?" And there we have it. Explained in one sentence.

Thank you, for being exactly you. For all the wise lessons you've taught me.

You're wonderful.

Hey. Here's me then.
Five years passed by, and I still don't know why.

Here's me then.
It's grown a little bit colder, still can't look you in the eye.

Can I
be your friend now?
Please let me have a go.
I'll hold your hand and sing you the sweetest lullaby.

Here's me now.
Ten years passed by,
but at least I can look you in the eye.

Hey. Here's me now.
You gave it a shot,
at least I know I tried.

Can I
go to sleep now?
They'll hold your hand and sing you the sweetest lullaby.

x