Ninyn

Is it worth it to rarely be able to see or talk to my friends?

There are things like Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, but everyone knows that this has nothing on the true reality of sitting down and having a heartfelt conversation. To just let the words flow and let time pass by. To sit somewhere together and enjoy the moment you're sharing.

A 2D picture of someones face with a 1 second delay in your conversations doesn't make up for it. Not in the long run. It works for a little while, but you start missing the little things. Hearing someone giggle under their breath. Or the way someone can give you a half-look which says more than any words in the world could.

Is it worth it to no longer be able to have weekly dinners with my father? To laugh about lifes' small silly things, to try new recipes and cook together. To share our love for music, putting on a vinyl record while we share our thoughts over music.

Is it worth it to only hear my grandma's voice over the phone? My grandma who has been there so often for me. Now I'm not there for her because I decided to go and chase off after some sort of selfish goal?

Is it worth it to have a boyfriend who I can only see once every two months?

People mock long-distance relationships or think negatively of it. To be fair, I don't think they're wrong. It's always good to stay hopeful, to at least try. We've been doing long distance now for 8 months. We've been long distance longer than we've actually been together. The first 2 months were hard, but I grew into it in a way. Now after 8 months, I feel a weird fear. I'm getting better with being alone, I've learned to not miss as hard anymore. But it scares me.

I'm starting to get annoyed with having to 'plan time' to be together. I just want to be. I want to be with him. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be able to do these things without having to schedule months ahead and checking if I can get time off or if all our our schedules fit together. I just want to be.

Is my goal to be a game designer so much more important than being able to spend time with the people I love?

Then again, what else would I do? Go back home?

Hello lovelies!

It has been a while since my last entry, but I find myself not having anything else to do at the moment so why not write a blog post?

November has been going at a steady pace, with only around 2 weeks left. During the first week of the month we went to Berlin with the company. We went to different restaurants, some more experimental than others. It was a really great experience, I learned more about the company, got to know the people I work with better, and in turn they got to know me better. I managed to take some pictures which I'll add (along with some other ones from Halloween and how the weather has been here. Like, SNOW?!?!)

During my free time I've been working on a little side project, and it's a very nice feeling to know that I can still do other things than just what I've been doing at.. work? internship? (I consider it work so work it is.) It includes level design, narrative design, and foolproofing it to the max since it is being made for someone who is not considered a hardcore gamer. Good practice for me, it's also being made for someone I care about very deeply so more reason to make it as best as I can. :) My deadline is in a little more than a week and I still have a lot of ideas to fulfill, but as always, we'll see how far we can get.

Together with two of my co-workers at Coffee Stain we've started playing a boardgame called Descent, it's a lot of fun! We use the iPad to DM for us, it plays music and sound and everything. Although it felt a little weird at first, once you get used to it it's quite nice. (But nothing beats a real DM, no worries Birk. <3) The reason I enjoy the game especially is because it's quite rule-bound, there are steps you have to take in your turn, there are determined steps each round, and it just plays very nicely that way. One of the reasons I kind of struggle with open world games or D&D is because there is so much freedom. Giving me that amount of freedom basically makes me go 'Ima do nothing. Bye,'

Sometimes I kind of miss having a side job or activity, like working at the bar or the animal shelter in my weekends. It's good to have some other form of (social) activity outside of your own network/bubble. Perhaps when I've actually settled in a place to call my own this will be something to start taking steps towards.

Anyhow, let's end things on a positive note! Despite missing my friends, I feel like I'm in a great place.

Liefs, x.

Internship

Ka-pow! The first 8 weeks of my internship have gone by. Flew by, to be honest. I'm feeling pretty good where I am, and with what I'm doing. Despite knowing that I'd move away from home. the furthest I've ever been from the people I love, those first few weeks here were terrifying. It's an incredible sensation to tackle the things that you fear. Going abroad was something I had wanted to do for the last 8 years, and I'm incredibly grateful with when and how things are going.

Now that the first 8 weeks of internship are over, it means I am getting my mid-term assessment next week. I feel nervous, and there will always be this voice of insecurity in the back of my head, but step by step I'm learning to listen to that voice within reason. Up next:

Worry and Let Go

Long Distance Relationship

This blog entry is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point. Hahaha, no it isn't.

I've been pleasantly surprised with myself over the last two weeks. Being here is teaching me a lot about myself, my personality, the way I'm programmed to behave or respond. But being here without really having someone or something to fall back on in a close vicinity is in a strange way very liberating. Why? When I have a problem, or something I need to talk about, it requires me to gather up courage and walk up to someone I don't really know that well. It's a gamble. Will this person want to help me or talk about it?

Of course, things like WhatsApp and Facebook make it easier for us to stay connected with our close ones and those that we feel comfortable talking to, but it's not how I want to spend living abroad. I'm here because I want to meet new people, learn about different cultures, learn about the industry, and because I want to challenge myself.

At work, I've realised that although I'm good at what I do - I'm not great at it. What drives me though, is to constantly learn. To constantly find out why something works the way it does, and how it can be improved. To talk with people and find out why they prefer in that way, and what their reasoning behind it is. I'm very grateful for the environment that I'm in - I'm learning so much every day (and there is still so much to learn!) and I feel like a part of the team.

In personal matters, I'm glad that I'm no longer afraid to open up once I feel that there's a connection. I've learned to listen better to what goes on inside, and to trust what goes on inside.

Now, to get to the point I was trying to make: I truly believe that if you have an open attitude, a constant curiousity and a willingness to learn, you can improve yourself in anything you do.

Liefs, x.

After having finished my first workweek and my second weekend in Sweden, it's time for another short blogpost!

I don't have that much to say honestly. I'm very much enjoying it here and obviously adjusting to all the changes; the new environment, the new people, living in the apartment, getting frustrated finding out how the most basic stuff works (like doing your laundry, getting a vacuum cleaner, how an oven works and throwing away your garbage.). Eventually we figured everything out, now it's time to figure out a nice weekly routine!

During the first couple of days I took a small walk through the town, to get a feeling for where most of the things are located. The city centre is small and cute, and there are plenty of shops and pubs to explore. So far the people are very nice and I feel comfortable thanks to the fact that everyone speaks English. Despite being able to communicate in English here, I still sit and learn Swedish for 15-20 minutes everyday; it's nice to one day hopefully be able to follow along with conversations.



Liefs, x.

Last summer, I wrote down 5 goals (or promises even) that I wanted to achieve in the next 5 years. Some of them I have achieved already. some of them were moved to a later stage and some of them are in the process of being achieved. I've always been a goal-oriented person, as it helps me 'measure' progress. If it's something personal, if it's a project, or if it's simply getting through the day: I need goals. Stagnating is something that scares me, and something that I want to avoid; I'm always on the move towards something new.

Totally stealing this format from another blog, but here goes. My goals for the next year:

Short Term Goals: 1 - 2 months

• Sell the last couple of things in my room.
• Buy flight tickets and plan the route to Skövde.
• Learn Swedish, 30 minutes a day.
• Buy a PlayStation 4.
• Set up my monthly budget.
• Get to know the area in Skövde.

Medium Term Goals: 3 - 6 months

• Pick up my hobbies again.
• Meditation.
• Writing.
• Some form of exercise (Gym or yoga. Thanks to my stupid ankle I cannot run anymore).
• Get back into regular gaming again (Perhaps make a list of games owned and games I want to finish).
• Furniture my flat with the basics.
• Shift the focus of my blog towards documenting my daily work, habits and life in Sweden.
• Have my friends come over in Sweden.
• Go to Stockholm.
• Go to Gotenburg.
• Create a polaroid diary. (Take polaroids of whatever I'm doing that moment. Write the date and a little reflective story of how I felt about it.)

Long Term Goals: 1 year or longer
I honestly suck at creating such long term goals because I know they'll change anyway.

• Get better at UI and game design.
• Get a better feel for 2D art, how to use shapes and colours, speedpainting.
• Save enough money for a roadtrip through possibly multiple countries.
• Plan the graduation roadtrip with Anthea, Hannah & Cristina.
• Well, graduate.
• Go on the roadtrip.

Suddenly, 3 months seems like a very short timeframe. I can't disclose any official info yet, but I've found an internship as a UI designer/artist! It's basically everything I've wanted and worked towards. It hasn't really struck me yet, but in just 3 months from now I'll be living in a different country. For a year. A country that I've never even visited.

I'm incredibly excited, motivated, happy, and looking so much forward to it! There's a couple of things I need to take care of beforehand, and I'm going to have to learn to speak a different language (all the challenges!!).

It's funny how life basically has the same structure with each challenge that you face: you're going to hit a massive low or a massive bump. And it's going to stop you for a while. But you'll need that little rest phase and use it to continue into the next challenge.

There's questions popping up, worries popping up; I realise these are all healthy things and they're also necessary for me to realise what's going on all of a sudden.

It's finally happening: a dream that I've had for the last 6 years. The dream is becoming reality.

Liefs.
x

• I haven't found an internship yet.

At the end of last week, I had a horrible stomach flu; which meant I spent around 3 days being alone in my room.

Being alone is both a curse and a blessing for me. I get way too caught up in my head after spending too much time alone. Negativity takes over, thoughts take over, and before you know it I've spent hours in bed doing absolutely nothing; turning into a negative thought loop of "oh god I suck" + "I've done nothing to improve" = "boohoo!".

I'm so grateful that going to therapy last year has taught me how to deal with this stuff. I've learned to realise that thoughts are just thoughts. I know that those thoughts are not me. Those thoughts are remnants of a past me. The scary thing is that these thoughts can inflict your future you to a great extent.

Then suddenly, after sending out a dozen internship applications - I received my first reply! My initial reaction was "ALREADY?" followed by "HOW DOES BREATHING WORK AGAIN?" followed by strolling up and down the hallway for 30 minutes because I was so filled with excitement. Things are getting real! The e-mail was positive, I was given an assignment which I have a week for (I have 2 days left). Things are going very well so far and I've received only positive feedback on what I've been working on. Good times all round! (Also, no pressure at all. Ha.)

Tomorrow is the deadline for our school project, Friday is the deadline for my personal objectives this block and next Monday is my panel exam. Next Wednesday is Industry Day at University where I hopefully get to talk to a few people from companies (including the one I'm currently doing the assignment for). There are a lot of exciting and amazing things coming up that I'm looking very much forward to. The lazy part of me has to admit that she cannot wait to binge watch Firefly next weekend and go to Scotland for 8 days the following weekend.

Closing off with a little mantra that I can definitely relate to:
But I ain’t in a patient phase"
(Thanks Marina & The Diamonds)

Have a great week, everyone!
Liefs,

X

We've all been there: exhausted, braindead, unmotivated, restless. So what do we do? We start scrolling. Scrolling mindlessly through our news feed, scrolling through our YouTube subscriptions, scrolling through our Twitter feed. And over time, we become numb. We become numb and fail to realise that while we're doing this, not only does life move on, we're also wasting valuable energy!

Over the course of the last few weeks I've been (lightly) giving myself a smack on the head when I find myself doing the mindless scrolls of endless activity. Instead, I grab my tablet, or a piece of paper, and I draw! I found the 21 Day Art Challenge via a UI artist I got in touch with last month, and it's been very fruitful so far. Not only am I getting better at it, it's helping me in pursuing my goal to become a UI Designer / Artist, and it helps me be more open and less afraid of receiving feedback since I'm forcing myself to share the studies I've been doing.

Of  course there are still days where I find myself feeling completely empty and void of any inspiration. Nothing appears. Nothing at all. It becomes very tempting to grab that little device and start scrolling again, but instead - I'll grab a record, or go for a walk. It's all about forcing yourself to let go of the stupid little habits that creep up on you and make you unhappy over time, even it if feels weird to do so at first.

So, here's some progress of day 1 to day 12. I can say I'm definitely happy in what's happened in spending only 30 minutes to half an hour every day doing this, and looking forward to the results of keeping this up even after 21 days! :)

Happiness is a choice.

Happiness is hard work.
Happiness is being disciplined, in everything you do.
Happiness is knowing where your priorities are.
Happiness is maintenance.
Happiness is finding joy in everything you do.
Happiness is turning the most dire situation into the best you can make of it.
Happiness is knowing your needs and wants.
Happiness is giving it your all.
Happiness is knowing when to let go.
Happiness is being okay with the choices you make.
Happiness is loving and forgiving yourself, no matter what.
Happiness is knowing that everything will be over someday, good or bad.

Happiness is being.