Ninyn

I've moved to Sweden!

Monday is my first official workday. There won't be many differences from when I was an intern, except for being paid for my work. That'll take some transitioning, mostly in my head-space. Getting paid for my work and skills? No longer just studying something that interests me, but actually working? I'm a professional now? What? (Start believing in your own skills at some point, please.)

Just now I've finished unpacking all my belongings, deciding what will go where, not focusing on the logistics just yet. Decorating is the most important part of moving into a new place, in my opinion. Setting up and living in your defined spaces, which activity will happen where? How do I want this corner of the room to feel? Are there areas I want to clutter and allow to be cluttered? Are there areas that need to be minimal, clean, simple; areas that clear my mind too. So many decisions to make!

My cats have moved with me too. All three of us are expats now! Initially, I felt like a horrible pet owner for putting them in a car for a total of fifteen hours (split into a trip of six and nine hours). The first fourty-five minutes of the trip they were NOT happy. Stressed, meowing, hissing. I felt devastated for making them go through this.
What surprised all of us though, is how completely relaxed they were after the initial shock (exhaustion probably had something to do with it.) They slept during most of the trip, they ate, they drank, and they made use of their litter-box during the drive!
They've gotten accustomed to the new flat ridiculously fast, purring, playing, cuddling, all the things a happy cat does.

Packing and unpacking has been an emotional experience. Deciding what to get rid of, deciding what to put in a box for days when I want to sit and go through the memories, looking at old photos, looking at recent photos, realising what a (mental and physical) roller-coaster the last four years have been, missing old friends, missing new friends, missing lovers.

The last two weeks especially I have felt like I'm living in a dream. I'm not feeling anything as if I'm 'feeling' it, if that makes any sense. It's good to be back here, and it feels like I've been away much longer than only a month.

I'm so incredibly happy to be back though. A new chapter starts.

'Anything worthwhile will always take a lot longer than you think.'
- Tom Cox

Liefs, x.

I've spent today looking at photos from the last three years. I'm ill, I suck at being ill. I always feel the need to be productive (which is a problem sometimes). I tried to read a book but after two pages I realised that there's just too many words in my mind in order to focus on the words I'm reading.

So much yet so little can change in time.

A lot of this started with me competing with my past. Competing with things that I had no control over. However, four years later, I can finally say that I'm at peace. At peace with things I've gone through, at peace with whatever the future will bring me. Because I know what moves me, what matters to me. I know what the things are that lift me up and bring me back down, to lift me up even higher the next time. Of course, there's always new things on the horizon to be discovered, challenged, questioned and dealt with. Even when it means not dealing with it is actually dealing with it.

I've graduated, I've gotten my first job in the games industry, I'm going to move abroad to Sweden after having done an internship for a year there, I'm going to move in together with my partner. Not only is each one of these steps a big step, it's a combination of big steps combined into one humongous step. I'm terrified! (The happy-excited kind of terrified, but still.)

I'm afraid of what could happen but I'm much more afraid of never even trying.

Anyhow, that was todays' portion of babbling.

Liefs, x.

I've become so self-conscious lately that self-doubt has almost become a daily procedure. I've gotten afraid of where my choices will lead me. I'm no longer as careless, or care-free, rather. I have trouble believing in myself and my capabilities.

When I look at my older blog-posts, I seemed to be at ease with a lot of things. Taking lifes' moments with a light-hearted attitude. I remember that I shared pretty much 90% of my blog-posts openly, because I never really cared about what others thought of it. Right now I find myself being afraid of so much as even typing the words, not knowing what will be thought of it. It's an odd change and it's one that I wasn't aware of until recently.

Most of it has to do with this part of my life chapter closing and a new one opening, except it feels as if there's a delay in the whole opening part. A delay that I feel I have no control over. A delay that makes me feel insecure and thrown off balance.

Of course, this is a part of growing into the new person you're going to be. This is how you learn. You fall and stumble and life tells you that you need to grow up. I've been in worse situations, I should know how this works. (Probably the stupidest thing I've ever said or typed. Still leaving it in so I can read it back later and laugh at myself.) However, it is how I feel often. And the strange thing is is that I'm fully aware that thoughts like these do not help me. Not one bit.

This is a bit of a wall of text, but what I want to get at here is that I should start feeling okay again to 'openly' be who I am. That I shouldn't be afraid of what kind of comments will appear under my blog or what will be said to me face-to-face.  That it should be okay to feel the way that I feel. Blogging brought me so many good things over the years; it made it easier for myself to open up to people. Something that was and still is hard for me.

I intensely miss meaningful conversations. 

I intensely miss nonsense conversations. 

I miss laughing about nothing at all with my best friend. 

Now that I've gotten this out, let's count to three and post. Here's to becoming care-free again.

3.

2.

1.

If it has taught me anything, it is the fact that we can never have it all.
There will always be something that isn't quite there, isn't quite as good as it could be.

But what I'll always have, is my honesty. What I'll always have, is my fear and the will to conquer it.
As I get older, I learn that I become more accepting of myself. The fear is still there, but I've learned to work with it.
It's not going anywhere unless I talk with it.

My problems won't change unless we talk about them. Problems can stop becoming problems if you deal with them. They just become part of a general feeling. Everyone has feelings, everyone has problems. Problems won't go away unless you acknowledge that there is a problem.

Fear is just another feeling. And it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to be scared. Everyone is.
Everyone is just doing the best they can.

x.

It's been a while since I've just sat down and poured out my thoughts and worries without really thinking about what I'd want to write, or what I'd want to achieve with my writing.

The last few months, every time I so much even thought of writing a blog, a whole array of thoughts would appear in my head making it hard to prioritise which topic to start with.
I say, to hell with prioritisation! Let's just write and see what appears.

Well, to begin with. I think I thought I was close to a relapse. That scary, gloomy, dark pit felt very close to the edge I was standing on. Thankfully, being back in the Netherlands for a week made it go away again. Not because I missed the Netherlands so much, but it showed me why I want to move to Sweden in the first place. I miss(ed) the people I care about, the country itself not so much.

I think it has become clear why I was always so inclined to move to the UK. There is this combination of nature, space, calmness, while there is also the perfect balance of cities, nightlife, society. Sweden has exactly those things I need or want in my life. Back home, it's all just so cramped up. There is no space to breath, there is no calmness where you can disappear and be alone, where you can sit down and all you hear is your own breath and your own heartbeat. I love that back home there is always something; something to see, something to do, something to laugh about. But that's just the thing isn't it? It's always.

It's an odd combination of feelings and thoughts to realise that right now I have the luxury and the privilege to say, 'I choose this.'. It's a privilege I've never had before, never even thought I would have, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Knowing that so many don't have that privilege, even people that I know closely. Not only that, but that gnawing voice somewhere in my head that's always asking me if I really want this, or if I really deserve this, or worst case scenario, who do I think I am to be able to do these things?

The other day I finished 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. A book full of warmth and familiarity. Here's part of a paragraph that meant a lot to me:

'Having people who love you and who you love is such a help. This doesn't even have to be romantic or familial love. Forcing yourself to see the world through love's gaze can be healthy. Love is an attitude to life. It can save us.'

Liefs, x.