Ninyn

If it has taught me anything, it is the fact that we can never have it all.
There will always be something that isn't quite there, isn't quite as good as it could be.

But what I'll always have, is my honesty. What I'll always have, is my fear and the will to conquer it.
As I get older, I learn that I become more accepting of myself. The fear is still there, but I've learned to work with it.
It's not going anywhere unless I talk with it.

My problems won't change unless we talk about them. Problems can stop becoming problems if you deal with them. They just become part of a general feeling. Everyone has feelings, everyone has problems. Problems won't go away unless you acknowledge that there is a problem.

Fear is just another feeling. And it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to be scared. Everyone is.
Everyone is just doing the best they can.

x.

It's been a while since I've just sat down and poured out my thoughts and worries without really thinking about what I'd want to write, or what I'd want to achieve with my writing.

The last few months, every time I so much even thought of writing a blog, a whole array of thoughts would appear in my head making it hard to prioritise which topic to start with.
I say, to hell with prioritisation! Let's just write and see what appears.

Well, to begin with. I think I thought I was close to a relapse. That scary, gloomy, dark pit felt very close to the edge I was standing on. Thankfully, being back in the Netherlands for a week made it go away again. Not because I missed the Netherlands so much, but it showed me why I want to move to Sweden in the first place. I miss(ed) the people I care about, the country itself not so much.

I think it has become clear why I was always so inclined to move to the UK. There is this combination of nature, space, calmness, while there is also the perfect balance of cities, nightlife, society. Sweden has exactly those things I need or want in my life. Back home, it's all just so cramped up. There is no space to breath, there is no calmness where you can disappear and be alone, where you can sit down and all you hear is your own breath and your own heartbeat. I love that back home there is always something; something to see, something to do, something to laugh about. But that's just the thing isn't it? It's always.

It's an odd combination of feelings and thoughts to realise that right now I have the luxury and the privilege to say, 'I choose this.'. It's a privilege I've never had before, never even thought I would have, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Knowing that so many don't have that privilege, even people that I know closely. Not only that, but that gnawing voice somewhere in my head that's always asking me if I really want this, or if I really deserve this, or worst case scenario, who do I think I am to be able to do these things?

The other day I finished 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. A book full of warmth and familiarity. Here's part of a paragraph that meant a lot to me:

'Having people who love you and who you love is such a help. This doesn't even have to be romantic or familial love. Forcing yourself to see the world through love's gaze can be healthy. Love is an attitude to life. It can save us.'

Liefs, x.

Is it worth it to rarely be able to see or talk to my friends?

There are things like Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, but everyone knows that this has nothing on the true reality of sitting down and having a heartfelt conversation. To just let the words flow and let time pass by. To sit somewhere together and enjoy the moment you're sharing.

A 2D picture of someones face with a 1 second delay in your conversations doesn't make up for it. Not in the long run. It works for a little while, but you start missing the little things. Hearing someone giggle under their breath. Or the way someone can give you a half-look which says more than any words in the world could.

Is it worth it to no longer be able to have weekly dinners with my father? To laugh about lifes' small silly things, to try new recipes and cook together. To share our love for music, putting on a vinyl record while we share our thoughts over music.

Is it worth it to only hear my grandma's voice over the phone? My grandma who has been there so often for me. Now I'm not there for her because I decided to go and chase off after some sort of selfish goal?

Is it worth it to have a boyfriend who I can only see once every two months?

People mock long-distance relationships or think negatively of it. To be fair, I don't think they're wrong. It's always good to stay hopeful, to at least try. We've been doing long distance now for 8 months. We've been long distance longer than we've actually been together. The first 2 months were hard, but I grew into it in a way. Now after 8 months, I feel a weird fear. I'm getting better with being alone, I've learned to not miss as hard anymore. But it scares me.

I'm starting to get annoyed with having to 'plan time' to be together. I just want to be. I want to be with him. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be able to do these things without having to schedule months ahead and checking if I can get time off or if all our our schedules fit together. I just want to be.

Is my goal to be a game designer so much more important than being able to spend time with the people I love?

Then again, what else would I do? Go back home?

I haven't written a real reflective blog since new year's. Life has been busy and chaotic. I've been trying to find my routine again and I've been worrying about a number of things.

What it comes down to, really, is that I'm scared. 

In two an a half months my internship is coming to an end and I will be moving to Skövde officially as an employee of Coffee Stain Studios. I've been living here for 8 months now, but I moved here knowing that it'd be for a year, not having any expectations of it lasting longer.

It's not that I don't want to move here, it's just the thought of not knowing how long I'll be here. I love everything about working for this company, the people are so incredibly good-spirited and kindhearted. Still, when you sign up for University, or in this case for an internship, it's always with the knowledge of it being for an X amount of time.

What am I scared of exactly? The natural things, really. Will I see my friends and family enough? Will they know I deeply care about them despite being in another country? Am I making the right decision or will I be missing out on things I could've had if I decided something else? Am I good enough for this job? Am I being too selfish? For how long will I be here? What is my next goal? Am I able to make friends here without neglecting the friends I have back home? Will my relationship with Birk survive? (thankfully the least of my worries!)

I feel incredibly lucky that I've been given this opportunity, if one could measure life's challenges I've certainly had 'harder' challenges thrown at me. I don't think I've ever been this afraid though!

The last few nights of sleep have been filled with odd and painful nightmares; losing people I care about, being hurt, or hurting others unintentionally. Right now it's a waiting game for my Swedish ID and an apartment. Anyone that knows me well enough knows waiting is one of my weaker points.

To get my focus in the right direction again I've picked up writing, meditation and yoga. It has been helping, a bit. Living with Hannah is also a blessing I thought I'd never experience. (Really, when we met in 2013, anyone that would've told us that we would end up living together in Sweden 4 years from now would've been deemed a madman!)

Anyhow: onwards with work, D&D, pancake mornings, pizza evenings, game nights and hopefully soon cat cuddles as well.

Liefs, x.

(Have another song!)

Monday, February 13:

Sunday, February 12:

Building a fire - how did you do that again?

And for no good reason at all, have a nice song!

Liefs, x.