Ninyn

Perhaps it wasn't all so bad.

Maybe, all we were intended to be was friends.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Perhaps love was never a thing for us.
Temporarily.

That moment at the train station, perhaps it was meant to be just a kiss.
That moment in the supermarket, perhaps it was meant to be just a glance.
That moment on your sofa, perhaps it was meant to stay just a conversation.
Perhaps the smile you gave me was just recognition.

Maybe, I was meant to be alone.
Carry all this on my own.

I was never meant to hold your hand.
You've got to learn to stand on your own feet now.

My heavy backpack.
My mountain to climb.

I'll let it all go, someday.
Will there be anything left of me, though?

There it is! January 1st, 2016. For the last two weeks, I was just itching to write this post. Itching to open up my memory jar, and itching to create a new one!



And the funny thing is, now that the day is here, I have no clue what to write about. For this post, I did a little test. I wrote a section before opening the memory jar, and I will write a section after opening up the memory jar. Here goes!

Before Opening

2015 was crazy. I've said it before, 2015 felt like a lifetime in one year. So many things changed, and yet so many things stayed the same. I've become a person where I can completely say I love being that person.
People came into my life, some came and went, and some were already there and remained a part of my life. I feel like I've done a lot of growing up in the last year, more on the level of work/life balance and self love.

After Opening

A lot happened in 2015, and opening up that memory jar made me realise how I've truly made the right decisions by listening to my own instinct. By being myself and not feeling ashamed about it. I've met new people and found new opportunities, by just approaching things being myself.

What I never realised is that being your true self might not open as many doors, but they are quality doors (I sound like a carpenter). It all confirms that less is truly more. Focusing on the work, the life, the habits, and the people you want to be around instead of "just doing", will give you so much more.


So, after opening up the jar I noticed that my mind wasn't playing a trick on me. Between January and April, there was nothing "documented". Neither in my mind, nor in my memory jar. They were a strange couple of months, where every day felt like it stood still.

Breaking away and breaking free from my own self-destructive behaviour remains to be the bravest and best decision I've taken in my life. And that little gap in those two months, make a lot of feelings I'm currently having very clear. I needed something to hang on to, and now I've learned that that something is myself.

I'm incredibly thankful for being where I am now. For the people that came into my life, for the people that stayed in my life, and for the ones that came and went. I wouldn't be where I am without the love and support you gave me.

This might be something that comes natural to plenty of us, but I've only learned to start doing it this year.

Creating your own little moments.

I noticed that often people would describe me as, or pick up on the fact that I was often stressed, rushing, always doing something. Never taking the time for myself, never taking the time to recharge.

It's true. I would always be busy doing something, I would always have something on my mind that I still needed to do, or worry about some other thing. And hey, I still do these things! I've just learned to apply structure to them.

This structure. It's actually not quite structured (of course it isn't, me and routine? ha! no.).
My weeks are still a mess and I still live day by day, but with these simple steps I've applied, there's more of an overview, I'm not rushing from point A to C to come back to B again, and my mind is so. much. more. at. ease.

Here it comes, my chaotic mess of a structure which I call

"Mandatory (albeit rather messy and could always be structured a bit better) Moments "

Making the right choice doesn't always necessarily mean the most fun one, the most wealthy one or the worst one. They're there to teach you a lesson, to give you a new perspective, or to confirm that you've done things right since the start.

When I decided to work full-time for a year before going to University, there were some that advised me against it. I would "get used to having a free schedule", or "get used to the amount of money". Taking a break year before going back to school was one of the best decisions of my life. I learned quite a few valuable lessons, like being independent, being reasonable, and being responsible.

The first year of University was such an eye-opener. Thoughts and habits that I had for years, which I thought were strange or useless, turned out to be incredibly relevant and appreciated in this line of work. Not only did I enjoy what I was doing, I also turned out to be pretty good at it!

Aside of that, I met a bunch of people who turned out to become the best friends I've had in my life. I've never met such an inspiring group of people who continue to inspire me each moment I spend with them. I'm super grateful for being in a place like this where I feel I get to be myself every single day.

I completely forgot about this photo, but I want to share it (for the giggles!). It's me in the first month of University building my first paper prototype of a game. When I presented it, I scored a 9 out of 10. For me, that was the confirmation I needed. It didn't take hours of cracking my skull studying material (which is great fun too!), but it took me doing something that felt like I was using my skills intuitively.

I made the right choice. :)

Liefs,

I'm sitting at the train station, reading my new book which I bought earlier this week. It discusses the combination of psychology and neurology, about depersonalisation, losing oneself or forgetting loved ones and surroundings entirely.

A lady passes me by, she's got beautiful brown wavy hair, combining perfectly with her bright red coat. She gives me a smile and I return one. I overhear her conversation with a loved one on the phone, telling them to be careful and that she loves them. She has an accent, there's something unique and touching about it. I smirk.
In 25 minutes time of waiting at the station, it's announced up to three times that in both different directions someone had thrown themselves in front of a train. It scares me how absolutely numb my response to this news is. There's not the faintest twitch or change in my expression. I don't know these people, I don't know if it was an accident, and I don't know if it was deliberate.
I wonder where this numbness comes from, and what my reasoning behind it is. Is it because we're exposed to this type of news every day? Is it a self defense mechanism? Or is it that I truly do not care?
Someone just lost their father, or their daughter, or their uncle or grandmother. Or someone didn't lose anyone at all and that's what drove them to do it. I'm not sure if I'm capable of describing how I feel about someone robbing themselves of their own lives.
When we're often encouraged to do what's best for us, what happens if someone feels this is best for them?