Ninyn

It's been a while since I've just sat down and poured out my thoughts and worries without really thinking about what I'd want to write, or what I'd want to achieve with my writing.

The last few months, every time I so much even thought of writing a blog, a whole array of thoughts would appear in my head making it hard to prioritise which topic to start with.
I say, to hell with prioritisation! Let's just write and see what appears.

Well, to begin with. I think I thought I was close to a relapse. That scary, gloomy, dark pit felt very close to the edge I was standing on. Thankfully, being back in the Netherlands for a week made it go away again. Not because I missed the Netherlands so much, but it showed me why I want to move to Sweden in the first place. I miss(ed) the people I care about, the country itself not so much.

I think it has become clear why I was always so inclined to move to the UK. There is this combination of nature, space, calmness, while there is also the perfect balance of cities, nightlife, society. Sweden has exactly those things I need or want in my life. Back home, it's all just so cramped up. There is no space to breath, there is no calmness where you can disappear and be alone, where you can sit down and all you hear is your own breath and your own heartbeat. I love that back home there is always something; something to see, something to do, something to laugh about. But that's just the thing isn't it? It's always.

It's an odd combination of feelings and thoughts to realise that right now I have the luxury and the privilege to say, 'I choose this.'. It's a privilege I've never had before, never even thought I would have, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. Knowing that so many don't have that privilege, even people that I know closely. Not only that, but that gnawing voice somewhere in my head that's always asking me if I really want this, or if I really deserve this, or worst case scenario, who do I think I am to be able to do these things?

The other day I finished 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. A book full of warmth and familiarity. Here's part of a paragraph that meant a lot to me:

'Having people who love you and who you love is such a help. This doesn't even have to be romantic or familial love. Forcing yourself to see the world through love's gaze can be healthy. Love is an attitude to life. It can save us.'

Liefs, x.

Is it worth it to rarely be able to see or talk to my friends?

There are things like Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, but everyone knows that this has nothing on the true reality of sitting down and having a heartfelt conversation. To just let the words flow and let time pass by. To sit somewhere together and enjoy the moment you're sharing.

A 2D picture of someones face with a 1 second delay in your conversations doesn't make up for it. Not in the long run. It works for a little while, but you start missing the little things. Hearing someone giggle under their breath. Or the way someone can give you a half-look which says more than any words in the world could.

Is it worth it to no longer be able to have weekly dinners with my father? To laugh about lifes' small silly things, to try new recipes and cook together. To share our love for music, putting on a vinyl record while we share our thoughts over music.

Is it worth it to only hear my grandma's voice over the phone? My grandma who has been there so often for me. Now I'm not there for her because I decided to go and chase off after some sort of selfish goal?

Is it worth it to have a boyfriend who I can only see once every two months?

People mock long-distance relationships or think negatively of it. To be fair, I don't think they're wrong. It's always good to stay hopeful, to at least try. We've been doing long distance now for 8 months. We've been long distance longer than we've actually been together. The first 2 months were hard, but I grew into it in a way. Now after 8 months, I feel a weird fear. I'm getting better with being alone, I've learned to not miss as hard anymore. But it scares me.

I'm starting to get annoyed with having to 'plan time' to be together. I just want to be. I want to be with him. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be able to do these things without having to schedule months ahead and checking if I can get time off or if all our our schedules fit together. I just want to be.

Is my goal to be a game designer so much more important than being able to spend time with the people I love?

Then again, what else would I do? Go back home?

Hello lovelies!

It has been a while since my last entry, but I find myself not having anything else to do at the moment so why not write a blog post?

November has been going at a steady pace, with only around 2 weeks left. During the first week of the month we went to Berlin with the company. We went to different restaurants, some more experimental than others. It was a really great experience, I learned more about the company, got to know the people I work with better, and in turn they got to know me better. I managed to take some pictures which I'll add (along with some other ones from Halloween and how the weather has been here. Like, SNOW?!?!)

During my free time I've been working on a little side project, and it's a very nice feeling to know that I can still do other things than just what I've been doing at.. work? internship? (I consider it work so work it is.) It includes level design, narrative design, and foolproofing it to the max since it is being made for someone who is not considered a hardcore gamer. Good practice for me, it's also being made for someone I care about very deeply so more reason to make it as best as I can. :) My deadline is in a little more than a week and I still have a lot of ideas to fulfill, but as always, we'll see how far we can get.

Together with two of my co-workers at Coffee Stain we've started playing a boardgame called Descent, it's a lot of fun! We use the iPad to DM for us, it plays music and sound and everything. Although it felt a little weird at first, once you get used to it it's quite nice. (But nothing beats a real DM, no worries Birk. <3) The reason I enjoy the game especially is because it's quite rule-bound, there are steps you have to take in your turn, there are determined steps each round, and it just plays very nicely that way. One of the reasons I kind of struggle with open world games or D&D is because there is so much freedom. Giving me that amount of freedom basically makes me go 'Ima do nothing. Bye,'

Sometimes I kind of miss having a side job or activity, like working at the bar or the animal shelter in my weekends. It's good to have some other form of (social) activity outside of your own network/bubble. Perhaps when I've actually settled in a place to call my own this will be something to start taking steps towards.

Anyhow, let's end things on a positive note! Despite missing my friends, I feel like I'm in a great place.

Liefs, x.

Internship

Ka-pow! The first 8 weeks of my internship have gone by. Flew by, to be honest. I'm feeling pretty good where I am, and with what I'm doing. Despite knowing that I'd move away from home. the furthest I've ever been from the people I love, those first few weeks here were terrifying. It's an incredible sensation to tackle the things that you fear. Going abroad was something I had wanted to do for the last 8 years, and I'm incredibly grateful with when and how things are going.

Now that the first 8 weeks of internship are over, it means I am getting my mid-term assessment next week. I feel nervous, and there will always be this voice of insecurity in the back of my head, but step by step I'm learning to listen to that voice within reason. Up next:

Worry and Let Go

Long Distance Relationship

Giving a shit while not giving a shit

Some years ago, I was described as 'people-pleaser'. And there was definitely a truth to that statement. Being afraid to voice my opinion, because my opinion would cause conflict, and conflict would cause confrontation, and confrontation would cause arguements, and arguements would mean fighting. It was easier to just nod, and agree. At least, that was how my brain worked back then. (It didn't take long before I got into conflicting situations, since, well, you simply can't agree with everyone and everything without causing conflict someplace.)

I do things because I care. Because I want it to be good. I want it to make sense. I want it to be worth someones time, effort, or even so much as someones thought. I do things because I just want to do it, regardless of anyone's opinion on the matter.

It's an art to give a shit while not giving a shit. Being able to say, no, I do not agree with your opinion, but thanks for sharing; still caring enough to acknowledge someone else's opinion without invalidating it.

Doing the things you love without becoming reliable on comfort zones

Comfort. The eternal love-hate relationship of (my) life. On some days I wonder why I didn't pick something simple to spend at least 40 hours per week of a large portion of my life on, until I realise I'd probably lose my mind if I had to do the exact same job every single day. Is there anyone at all that feels genuinely certain about their career choice(s)?

Accepting anxiety

Hello anxiety, it's good to see you again. I genuinely mean it. I didn't have any anxiety attacks for a while, but since the move to Sweden I've had a few again. It made me talk with people, it made me open up to people. It meant I had to make myself vulnerable to get over it. I suppose this connects with my thoughts on comfort zones. I love being comfortable - for a while. There's this fine line, where if things get too comfortable I start feeling empty. Being here is a great refreshment. It's teaching me a lot about myself, about where that fine line begins and ends.

In other news,

Life is pretty fucking awesome! I finished reading the book 'More Fool Me' by Stephen Fry, and I'd like to end this blog entry with how he ended his book.

'If days be good, they shall pass, which is a lowering thought. If they be bad, they shall pass, which is cheering. I suppose it is enough to know this and cling on to it for some small comfort when confronted by the irredeemable and senseless folly of the world.'

Liefs, x.

Well, September flew by like crazy. It seems quite funny that all the things I'd been worrying or stressing about on end now feel like it was a walk in the park. (despite having learned a lot about trusting my gut, I think I could do with trusting it a bit more.)

My first month in Sweden has been absolutely fantastic. Still figuring out my routine but it's getting there! What I need to learn most is how to live with this thing called 'I'm-still-kind-of-a-poor-student-budget', while still keeping up with the social activities that I really don't want to miss out on. 

This weekend I went out for the first time to a different city, which was around a 3 hour car drive to a place called Västerås where we went to the Retro Gathering. I got a super cute membership card which has my nickname on it. A memento for all times! 
We stayed in a hotel on the 7th floor, and I managed to got a pretty picture around sunrise.



As I mentioned before, my budget wasn't that impressive so I had a mental list of things I really wanted to have to not go completely overboard. My loot is the following:


Dino Dini's Kick Off for the NES - Dino Dini was my math teacher in the first year of IGAD. This guy is just so passionate about everything he does, and I truly think it's an admirable quality. His math class was the first one I've ever passed in my life. I think his determination was something that inspired me.

Vagrant Story - An awesome RPG that I have fond memories of, watching my brother play as I was a tad too young (or absentminded) to understand the gameplay. I look forward to playing this one when I get my PS2 back.

Final Fantasy IX - The last one I missed in my Final Fantasy collection, which is now complete! FFIX is up there in my favourites. I never get tired of putting on the soundtrack and dreaming away. (Also, Steiner is the best character.)

A photo with game dev legend Jon Hare - Jon Hare visited our University last year and I remembered being pretty inspired by his story, so at the Retro Gathering I went to see his talk. At the end I started talking with him and he remembered the University. He agreed to do a polaroid photo with me! :)

I loved being at the convention, talking with all kinds of people and finding out where their passion for games comes from. The games industry is still reasonably new, which is why I think it's all the more important to understand who were the people that started this thing we now find ourselves in.

At one point I found a Nintendo 64 with StarFox, and I think I spent around 3 hours playing and completely losing myself in the game. Time well spent!



On the way to the Convention I unfortunately got pretty sick during the car ride, so we'd decided I would take the train back on my own. Train rides are one of my favourite things in life, so it was a blessing in disguise! :)

This blog entry is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point. Hahaha, no it isn't.

I've been pleasantly surprised with myself over the last two weeks. Being here is teaching me a lot about myself, my personality, the way I'm programmed to behave or respond. But being here without really having someone or something to fall back on in a close vicinity is in a strange way very liberating. Why? When I have a problem, or something I need to talk about, it requires me to gather up courage and walk up to someone I don't really know that well. It's a gamble. Will this person want to help me or talk about it?

Of course, things like WhatsApp and Facebook make it easier for us to stay connected with our close ones and those that we feel comfortable talking to, but it's not how I want to spend living abroad. I'm here because I want to meet new people, learn about different cultures, learn about the industry, and because I want to challenge myself.

At work, I've realised that although I'm good at what I do - I'm not great at it. What drives me though, is to constantly learn. To constantly find out why something works the way it does, and how it can be improved. To talk with people and find out why they prefer in that way, and what their reasoning behind it is. I'm very grateful for the environment that I'm in - I'm learning so much every day (and there is still so much to learn!) and I feel like a part of the team.

In personal matters, I'm glad that I'm no longer afraid to open up once I feel that there's a connection. I've learned to listen better to what goes on inside, and to trust what goes on inside.

Now, to get to the point I was trying to make: I truly believe that if you have an open attitude, a constant curiousity and a willingness to learn, you can improve yourself in anything you do.

Liefs, x.

After having finished my first workweek and my second weekend in Sweden, it's time for another short blogpost!

I don't have that much to say honestly. I'm very much enjoying it here and obviously adjusting to all the changes; the new environment, the new people, living in the apartment, getting frustrated finding out how the most basic stuff works (like doing your laundry, getting a vacuum cleaner, how an oven works and throwing away your garbage.). Eventually we figured everything out, now it's time to figure out a nice weekly routine!

During the first couple of days I took a small walk through the town, to get a feeling for where most of the things are located. The city centre is small and cute, and there are plenty of shops and pubs to explore. So far the people are very nice and I feel comfortable thanks to the fact that everyone speaks English. Despite being able to communicate in English here, I still sit and learn Swedish for 15-20 minutes everyday; it's nice to one day hopefully be able to follow along with conversations.



Liefs, x.

Sunday, my third day in Sweden! After around 8 hours of smooth travel (and 18 hours of being awake and active) I arrived at my new home for the coming time: Skövde. (Only recently I found out that this is pronounced as ghuvde.) I am so happy, stoked and excited to be here. Yesterday I met two of my soon-to-be-coworkers when we went out for a drink.

FIRST! Let's take the time to look back on the trip here!

Day 1

Departure

On Friday morning, Birk and I got up at around 6.30 AM. I woke up crying, because I was feeling too many things at the same time. Up until the point of getting to the airport I felt a little sick and lightheaded, probably because my brain was doing a great job of making me think about all the things that could go wrong. Luckily, Birk and Anthea were there to help me focus on all the good things: I'm going to fricking SWEDEN! I'm going to do what I LOVE doing! There's nothing to worry about!

The Flight

After dinner I had a proper after-dinner-crash and pretty much fell asleep around 9.30 PM.

Day 2

The numbers!

After returning from a glorious trip to Hamburg and Bremen, I am happy to be back home. One of the reasons being that this home will only be my home for three more weeks. After that, it's time to move to Sweden for at least 6 months!

The three week trip was amazing. It was my first time in Germany, and the first time that I went to a city of this size (~2 million). Although I loved being there, I also felt lonely at times. It's the same with any bigger city; it's both liberating and disconnecting. I felt free since no one really looked at me or cared about what I did, which can be a great feeling. I felt lonely because it felt like there was no human connection or interaction with the people in the city. For me it confirms that it's truly important, for your own sanity, creativity, and productivity, to create your own little hub of safety. People to love and be loved by, to accept and be accepted by, and to support and be supported by. We need it. All of us.

It was a trip I will never forget, a trip full of love, good talks, good beers, tasty food, forest walks, silly moments, tears, and beach sunsets. A trip full of warm welcomes and happy hugs. One I'm very grateful for.


Now that I'm back in the Netherlands for a little while, I want to make the most out of it. It takes time to create time, so back to the planning board it is. How can I use my time best?

Looking at my previous short term goals:

• Sell the last couple of things in my room.
• Buy flight tickets and plan the route to Skövde.
• Learn Swedish, 30 minutes a day.
• Buy a PlayStation 4.
• Set up my monthly budget.
• Get to know the area in Skövde.

Last summer, I wrote down 5 goals (or promises even) that I wanted to achieve in the next 5 years. Some of them I have achieved already. some of them were moved to a later stage and some of them are in the process of being achieved. I've always been a goal-oriented person, as it helps me 'measure' progress. If it's something personal, if it's a project, or if it's simply getting through the day: I need goals. Stagnating is something that scares me, and something that I want to avoid; I'm always on the move towards something new.

Totally stealing this format from another blog, but here goes. My goals for the next year:

Short Term Goals: 1 - 2 months

• Sell the last couple of things in my room.
• Buy flight tickets and plan the route to Skövde.
• Learn Swedish, 30 minutes a day.
• Buy a PlayStation 4.
• Set up my monthly budget.
• Get to know the area in Skövde.

Medium Term Goals: 3 - 6 months

• Pick up my hobbies again.
• Meditation.
• Writing.
• Some form of exercise (Gym or yoga. Thanks to my stupid ankle I cannot run anymore).
• Get back into regular gaming again (Perhaps make a list of games owned and games I want to finish).
• Furniture my flat with the basics.
• Shift the focus of my blog towards documenting my daily work, habits and life in Sweden.
• Have my friends come over in Sweden.
• Go to Stockholm.
• Go to Gotenburg.
• Create a polaroid diary. (Take polaroids of whatever I'm doing that moment. Write the date and a little reflective story of how I felt about it.)

Long Term Goals: 1 year or longer
I honestly suck at creating such long term goals because I know they'll change anyway.

• Get better at UI and game design.
• Get a better feel for 2D art, how to use shapes and colours, speedpainting.
• Save enough money for a roadtrip through possibly multiple countries.
• Plan the graduation roadtrip with Anthea, Hannah & Cristina.
• Well, graduate.
• Go on the roadtrip.