Ninyn

Hello lovelies!

It has been a while since my last entry, but I find myself not having anything else to do at the moment so why not write a blog post?

November has been going at a steady pace, with only around 2 weeks left. During the first week of the month we went to Berlin with the company. We went to different restaurants, some more experimental than others. It was a really great experience, I learned more about the company, got to know the people I work with better, and in turn they got to know me better. I managed to take some pictures which I'll add (along with some other ones from Halloween and how the weather has been here. Like, SNOW?!?!)

During my free time I've been working on a little side project, and it's a very nice feeling to know that I can still do other things than just what I've been doing at.. work? internship? (I consider it work so work it is.) It includes level design, narrative design, and foolproofing it to the max since it is being made for someone who is not considered a hardcore gamer. Good practice for me, it's also being made for someone I care about very deeply so more reason to make it as best as I can. :) My deadline is in a little more than a week and I still have a lot of ideas to fulfill, but as always, we'll see how far we can get.

Together with two of my co-workers at Coffee Stain we've started playing a boardgame called Descent, it's a lot of fun! We use the iPad to DM for us, it plays music and sound and everything. Although it felt a little weird at first, once you get used to it it's quite nice. (But nothing beats a real DM, no worries Birk. <3) The reason I enjoy the game especially is because it's quite rule-bound, there are steps you have to take in your turn, there are determined steps each round, and it just plays very nicely that way. One of the reasons I kind of struggle with open world games or D&D is because there is so much freedom. Giving me that amount of freedom basically makes me go 'Ima do nothing. Bye,'

Sometimes I kind of miss having a side job or activity, like working at the bar or the animal shelter in my weekends. It's good to have some other form of (social) activity outside of your own network/bubble. Perhaps when I've actually settled in a place to call my own this will be something to start taking steps towards.

Anyhow, let's end things on a positive note! Despite missing my friends, I feel like I'm in a great place.

Liefs, x.

Internship

Ka-pow! The first 8 weeks of my internship have gone by. Flew by, to be honest. I'm feeling pretty good where I am, and with what I'm doing. Despite knowing that I'd move away from home. the furthest I've ever been from the people I love, those first few weeks here were terrifying. It's an incredible sensation to tackle the things that you fear. Going abroad was something I had wanted to do for the last 8 years, and I'm incredibly grateful with when and how things are going.

Now that the first 8 weeks of internship are over, it means I am getting my mid-term assessment next week. I feel nervous, and there will always be this voice of insecurity in the back of my head, but step by step I'm learning to listen to that voice within reason. Up next:

Worry and Let Go

Long Distance Relationship

Giving a shit while not giving a shit

Some years ago, I was described as 'people-pleaser'. And there was definitely a truth to that statement. Being afraid to voice my opinion, because my opinion would cause conflict, and conflict would cause confrontation, and confrontation would cause arguements, and arguements would mean fighting. It was easier to just nod, and agree. At least, that was how my brain worked back then. (It didn't take long before I got into conflicting situations, since, well, you simply can't agree with everyone and everything without causing conflict someplace.)

I do things because I care. Because I want it to be good. I want it to make sense. I want it to be worth someones time, effort, or even so much as someones thought. I do things because I just want to do it, regardless of anyone's opinion on the matter.

It's an art to give a shit while not giving a shit. Being able to say, no, I do not agree with your opinion, but thanks for sharing; still caring enough to acknowledge someone else's opinion without invalidating it.

Doing the things you love without becoming reliable on comfort zones

Comfort. The eternal love-hate relationship of (my) life. On some days I wonder why I didn't pick something simple to spend at least 40 hours per week of a large portion of my life on, until I realise I'd probably lose my mind if I had to do the exact same job every single day. Is there anyone at all that feels genuinely certain about their career choice(s)?

Accepting anxiety

Hello anxiety, it's good to see you again. I genuinely mean it. I didn't have any anxiety attacks for a while, but since the move to Sweden I've had a few again. It made me talk with people, it made me open up to people. It meant I had to make myself vulnerable to get over it. I suppose this connects with my thoughts on comfort zones. I love being comfortable - for a while. There's this fine line, where if things get too comfortable I start feeling empty. Being here is a great refreshment. It's teaching me a lot about myself, about where that fine line begins and ends.

In other news,

Life is pretty fucking awesome! I finished reading the book 'More Fool Me' by Stephen Fry, and I'd like to end this blog entry with how he ended his book.

'If days be good, they shall pass, which is a lowering thought. If they be bad, they shall pass, which is cheering. I suppose it is enough to know this and cling on to it for some small comfort when confronted by the irredeemable and senseless folly of the world.'

Liefs, x.

Well, September flew by like crazy. It seems quite funny that all the things I'd been worrying or stressing about on end now feel like it was a walk in the park. (despite having learned a lot about trusting my gut, I think I could do with trusting it a bit more.)

My first month in Sweden has been absolutely fantastic. Still figuring out my routine but it's getting there! What I need to learn most is how to live with this thing called 'I'm-still-kind-of-a-poor-student-budget', while still keeping up with the social activities that I really don't want to miss out on. 

This weekend I went out for the first time to a different city, which was around a 3 hour car drive to a place called Västerås where we went to the Retro Gathering. I got a super cute membership card which has my nickname on it. A memento for all times! 
We stayed in a hotel on the 7th floor, and I managed to got a pretty picture around sunrise.



As I mentioned before, my budget wasn't that impressive so I had a mental list of things I really wanted to have to not go completely overboard. My loot is the following:


Dino Dini's Kick Off for the NES - Dino Dini was my math teacher in the first year of IGAD. This guy is just so passionate about everything he does, and I truly think it's an admirable quality. His math class was the first one I've ever passed in my life. I think his determination was something that inspired me.

Vagrant Story - An awesome RPG that I have fond memories of, watching my brother play as I was a tad too young (or absentminded) to understand the gameplay. I look forward to playing this one when I get my PS2 back.

Final Fantasy IX - The last one I missed in my Final Fantasy collection, which is now complete! FFIX is up there in my favourites. I never get tired of putting on the soundtrack and dreaming away. (Also, Steiner is the best character.)

A photo with game dev legend Jon Hare - Jon Hare visited our University last year and I remembered being pretty inspired by his story, so at the Retro Gathering I went to see his talk. At the end I started talking with him and he remembered the University. He agreed to do a polaroid photo with me! :)

I loved being at the convention, talking with all kinds of people and finding out where their passion for games comes from. The games industry is still reasonably new, which is why I think it's all the more important to understand who were the people that started this thing we now find ourselves in.

At one point I found a Nintendo 64 with StarFox, and I think I spent around 3 hours playing and completely losing myself in the game. Time well spent!



On the way to the Convention I unfortunately got pretty sick during the car ride, so we'd decided I would take the train back on my own. Train rides are one of my favourite things in life, so it was a blessing in disguise! :)

This blog entry is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point. Hahaha, no it isn't.

I've been pleasantly surprised with myself over the last two weeks. Being here is teaching me a lot about myself, my personality, the way I'm programmed to behave or respond. But being here without really having someone or something to fall back on in a close vicinity is in a strange way very liberating. Why? When I have a problem, or something I need to talk about, it requires me to gather up courage and walk up to someone I don't really know that well. It's a gamble. Will this person want to help me or talk about it?

Of course, things like WhatsApp and Facebook make it easier for us to stay connected with our close ones and those that we feel comfortable talking to, but it's not how I want to spend living abroad. I'm here because I want to meet new people, learn about different cultures, learn about the industry, and because I want to challenge myself.

At work, I've realised that although I'm good at what I do - I'm not great at it. What drives me though, is to constantly learn. To constantly find out why something works the way it does, and how it can be improved. To talk with people and find out why they prefer in that way, and what their reasoning behind it is. I'm very grateful for the environment that I'm in - I'm learning so much every day (and there is still so much to learn!) and I feel like a part of the team.

In personal matters, I'm glad that I'm no longer afraid to open up once I feel that there's a connection. I've learned to listen better to what goes on inside, and to trust what goes on inside.

Now, to get to the point I was trying to make: I truly believe that if you have an open attitude, a constant curiousity and a willingness to learn, you can improve yourself in anything you do.

Liefs, x.